"Hey, after the game, waddaya say we rent 'Fever Pitch' and listen to the new Bronson Arroyo album?"

What do Red Sox and Yankees fans have in common?

They’re the two biggest bandwagon-jumping and front-running groups of fans in all of professional sports.

It’s simple to understand why Yankees fans fit the mold: “Aura and Mystique,” 26 titles, “The Curse of the Bambino,” etc., etc., etc. And that’s before mentioning that 90 percent of so-called Yankees fans can’t tell you about anything that happened between 1981 and 1994, except for maybe George Steinbrenner’s temporary banishment from the game.

But Red Sox fans? Bandwagon jumpers? No way.

I don’t have scientific evidence to back my point up, but I don’t need it. Just walk around Fenway Park and ask the “nouveau riche” fans of Red Sox Nation about anything before 1999. The Butch Hobson Era? They don’t have a clue. Roger Clemens’ Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle shoelaces? No clue. Tony Pena’s 1995 ALDS walk-off homer? Who’s Tony Pena?

Ask them if they ever gave up hope in 2004. “Man…I nevahh gave up on them! We weerreeaahh down three games to nothin’ and I still beeeliiieevvveedd. Kept the faith! And we pulled off the greatest comeback evvahhh.”

That’s total bull$%^%. There was more buzz around Fenway Park for the Baseball Bean pot (Like hockey only with baseball) then there was prior to Game 4 of the 2004 ALCS. People were practically giving away tickets that just days earlier were going for hundreds of dollars a pop.

I threw a scalper fifty bucks and ended up right on top of the Yankee dugout. (Face Value: $125) “Braindead Brian” Cashman was a few seats to my right, Rudy Giuliani and his entourage was behind me. I quickly called my friend back at Northeastern to tell him the good news.

“You’ve got to come down here,” I said. “They’re practically giving tickets away.”

“I don’t have any money,” he said.

“You’re so cheap,” I mumbled back.

“That and I gave up caring about baseball last night,” he snipped back.

“Stop being cheap and get down here,” I mocked. “I could scalp a pair of Red Sox-Yankees Spring Training tickets for twice as much as you’ll pay to get into this one.”

The following spring, I did just that, Ebaying a pair of tickets to see the Red Sox and Yankee non-roster invitees do battle in Fort Myers, proving there really is a sucker born every minute.

There are some smart people in the Red Sox offices who understand that as long as the Sox continue to win, stupid fans will buy anything with the logo attached. Membership cards, Fenway Park dirt and 50-buck tickets located smack dab behind a pole are examples of that. I’m surprised someone didn’t suggest making thongs and bikinis with shreds of Johnny Damon’s hair threaded into the crotch. I’m sure those would have been a big seller. And I’m sure Carson Kressley would have bought a pair.

Kressley threw out the first pitch with the rest of his Queer Eye friends prior to a game last season. He’s one of many new celebrity Sox fans that have emerged following the 2004 World Series run. Though seeing Kressley in his custom made pink jersey prancing around the pitchers mound wasn’t nearly as painful as watching ESPN pimp John Kerry’s during a Sox-Yankees game during the 2004 Democratic National Convention. Someone should ask him how many homers Manny Ortez will hit this year.

Over the past few years, Fenway Park has gone from the ugly duckling waiting for a replacement to the hottest spot in the City of Boston. In the past, people went to ballgames to cheer on the Red Sox. Now they go just to be seen. Never have I seen such a celebrity presence on a nightly basis. And never have I seen so many 22-year-old coeds coming to the park with boatloads of makeup just to get trashed and stalk Adam Stern. 

No wonder Bronson Arroyo liked it here so much. Arroyo the Red is just another athlete who plays an instrument, Arroyo the Red Sock can sell out night clubs and make a nice chunk of change selling CDs. Ah, the joys of being a scrub in Boston. (P.S. Bernie Williams’ album is a better buy, if you must)

Though, to be fair and give a little bit of credit on the celebrity front, I have great respect for Ben Affleck as a Red Sox fan. Granted, it’s the only thing I respect about the guy. But he’s one of a select few celebrities that can be spotted at Fenway for a Tuesday night game in April against the Devil Rays. Affleck’s interview/meltdown from the Daytona 500 after the Alex Rodriguez trade a few years back may have been the best thing he’s ever done in his entire life.

But with the way prices have jumped around the Fens lately, even Affleck might not be able to afford seats soon. And that’s not an insult to his career. Currently it’s impossible to get a good seat without connections and a second mortgage. If you’re lucky, you might be able to snag some seats to see the Royals, Devil Rays and Tigers come to town. Bring both cash and the plastic if you do because the cheap seats will set you back $23 with the box seats going upwards of $85. And that’s just at the box office.

Fenway Park sellouts have been a recent phenomenon. The Sox spent the 1990s in the middle of the pack attendance-wise, and tickets could always be had at the box office on game day, Yankees games included. It wasn’t until the 1999 ALCS and Sports Illustrated picking the Red Sox to win the 2000 World Series that people started to buy tickets in record numbers. Also, with the advent of the Wild Card and a vast difference between the big-market and small-market teams, the Red Sox are pretty much assured of playing in a pennant race come September, which helps things out a bit.

I still haven’t mentioned “Fever Pitch” yet. That’s amazing. Though I can’t trash a movie which has multiple scenes that perfectly describe the Duhaime household. We don’t dance to decide who gets the Yankee games, we just fight to the death for them.

Sellouts, Queer Eye and Bronson Arroyo aside, there’s still a lot to like about living in the Hub of the Baseball Universe. But I don’t like the fact that I’ll end up next to some 27-year-old woman who thinks they play nine quarters in a baseball, which happens regularly when the corporate bigwigs buy the good seats and write them off as a tax deductible business expense. I don’t like the fact the pop culture icon status of the players (See Bronson Arroyo). Heck, I don’t like the pop culture icon status of the broadcasters (See Jerry Remy) and ball girls (See Kelly Barons). There used to be a time when Fenway Park was mascot free, idiot free and all about the game. There also used to be a time where the Red Sox went eight decades without winning a World Series. Things have changed… I just haven’t gotten used to it yet. I don’t know if I ever will.

Jake Duhaime is a regular contributor to Atomic Sports Meida. Since 1972, he has spent more time with Lord Stanley's Cup than have his beloved Bruins. When he isn't convincing people the NHL Playoffs are riveting television, he can be found going sober for months at a time, saving up petty cash to go to the Super Bowl, Final Four, World Series or any other major sporting event out there. He can be reached at jake.duhaime@atomicsportsmedia.com.