I am not here to sound like the typical U.S. sports fan that complains about soccer being too slow and boring for our culture. You will not hear me suggest that the game should be changed in order to provide more scoring opportunities – as though that hasn’t been thought of before (see the indoor soccer leagues that have failed over the years.) The truth is that soccer is a game enjoyed by everyone beyond our continental borders and to think that the game should be changed for our enjoyment is absolutely arrogant and ridiculous. It’s a classic sport and I’ll leave it at that.
What I would like to see, however, is ESPN and their ABC parent channel make an effort to try and tweak the commentary to help us ugly Americans better understand the game in our own terms. I don’t mean explaining what a goal box is or what causes a corner kick; that would patronize and belittle the soccer fans that actually exist in this country. I just think that there are a few terms that I heard during the commentary of this year’s World Cup tournament that I think can be Americanized a little for better viewing pleasure from the target audience: fittingly, Americans.
First of all, I think new commentators are needed to bring the World Cup to us in 2010. I don’t have anything personal against Marcelo Balboa, but that beard and matching long mane of hair so nicely combed out makes him look like he belongs in a movie like Interview with a Vampire or Deuce Bigalo: European Gigolo. To put it bluntly, he looks like Euro-trash. The World Cup viewing interest is too precarious in this country to have a commentator who constantly reminds us how European the sport is.
Once you get a commentator who doesn’t look like he should be sitting outside a café drinking a latte and smoking a pack of slim cigarettes, it’s time to work on his (or her) vocabulary in order to broadcast properly to the American audience. The last thing you want is a commentator who tries to sound overly European (like Madonna with her fake British accent.) The following are words I think need to change in order to gain more American viewership:
Pitch. I don’t have a major problem with the use of this word because it’s simple to grasp. The pitch is the field. Pretty easy, huh? However, I would like to have the origin of the word explained. Football players go up and down a field, baseball players run around a diamond, basketball players travel back and forth on a court, and hockey players skate on the ice. All of these statements make sense to me.
When you say the word pitch, however, I think curveball. Where does this word come from? If there is a good reason for using the word pitch, use it. Just don’t call a field a pitch because the Europeans do. Some of their words don’t work in this country. Look up what Europeans call cigarettes and prove me wrong.
Well struck. Are the players fencing? Why can’t a player “pass” or “kick” a ball? I’ve never heard Pat Summerall say how the football was well struck by Mike Vanderjagt or Morten Anderson. You kick a ball, sometimes too hard, sometimes too soft, but it’s still kicking the ball. You strike a person if you hit them and unless you plan on being arrested, it is a rarely used verb.
Set Piece. Great, you take a sport that the people in this country claim is too boring and you make it sound like chess. Does watching a knight take a bishop sound like great viewing pleasure? Let’s just stick to calling these plays corner kicks, penalty kicks, etc.
Fitness. I’m aware that a soccer game is a war of attrition. These players do more running in one match than most Americans can even fathom, so a player must absolutely be in shape. It’s the way in which this word is used that I have a problem with. Too many times during this World Cup I heard about a player entering a game to “get his fitness in.” I just imagine a guy walking out in Jane Fonda leotards and leg warmers as he sweats to the oldies. A player enters a World Cup match to get experience or to get into game shape. He enters a gym or exercise class to get his fitness.
Pace. Commentators abused this word more than any other in the tournament this year. It was used as a verb, a noun, and an adjective. I am sick of this word. At first I was not offended because the commentator was talking about the pace of the game. To me, this is the proper time to use the word pace. If the players are flying up and down the field, the game has an incredibly fast pace to it.
A player does not have a good pace to him, he is fast or he is moving quickly. A team is not playing a good pace of soccer; they are being aggressive or winning the loose balls.
And finally, the word pace does not describe the speed of the soccer ball. A player does not put pace on a ball. All this statement does is make me envision a player pouring Pace picante sauce all over the soccer ball. One does not have a well-paced shot. He has a rocket shot or deft touch. A player doesn’t pace the ball well to his teammate: it’s called a freakin’ pass.
Please, do not play commentator Mad Libs and fill in every single blank with the word pace. It’s annoying, it sounds like you are trying to show everyone how smart you are and we Americans will not stand for it. Ask Dennis Miller how it worked out when he brought his form of “I’m smarter and more cultured than you” commentary to Monday Night Football.
A commentator’s words paint a picture of how we view the game on television. They can make a game more enjoyable or completely ruin the experience. I don’t ask that soccer commentators regale us with wonderful stories and incredible sports metaphors. I simply ask that he or she speak to me in my own language. Maybe then Americans and soccer will finally start getting along.
Brad came to New York from Dallas to live the glorious life of an underpaid actor. He then decided he'd rather get not paid to work on sports because that is where his biggest passion lies.
Brad loves intense and emotional sports like football, hockey, and – its ultimate manifestation – March Madness. To him, there is very little better than game day.
He is still in football Valhalla as the Texas Longhorns actually won a national championship for the first time in his life.
There is nothing more boring than a sports stat-head. Please don't recite stats to him; it's the equivalent of reading a math book.
Brad apparently enjoys talking about himself in the third person, similar to many athletes.
Brad would eventually like to have his own sports radio show, but he will probably be fired for gross insubordination or for the inability to focus solely on sports. There are other interesting topics, you know. Like Irish whiskey. Which, of course, could lead to his being fired for gross insubordination.
He can be reached at brad.seal@atomicsportsmedia.com.
