After subjecting us to "Reindeer Games," Affleck deserves whatever he gets.

“We must be sitting behind the biggest douche bag in the whole ballpark.”

This was said last month by a friend of mine while at a game at Fenway Park. To give him credit, it was only his second game at “America’s Most Beloved Ballpark” this season. He clearly hasn’t been exposed to the countless fools and idiots that have seemingly found their way through Fenway Park security these days. Whether it’s the drunken co-eds double fisting those $6.50 watered down Bud Lights or the idiots in the front row behind the plate waving to the cameras while chatting on their cell phones. Fenway has become infested with stupid, pink hat wearing, bandwagon jumping, unintelligent so-called Red Sox fans.

And I have a big problem with it.

Last year, after spending nine innings next to a 28-year-old Asian woman who called home to tell her roommate that the Sox were losing “two-to-five,” I established the following rules, based in some part on W. Bruce Cameron’s “10 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter.” Like Cameron, who expects his daughter’s dates to recite his rules before entering his house, I too hope that one day, fans will be forced to memorize and abide by the following before entering the gates.

After all, it’s one thing for Manny Ramirez not to pay attention to the action on the field. Apparently that’s just a case of “Manny being Manny”, but when smart, intelligent baseball fans shell out hundreds of dollars to watch a ballgame and end up next to three drunken teenagers with fake IDs and a supportive, sober DD mother, that’s a completely different story.

1) General Ballpark Rules

a- The wave is a fixation of the drunk, bored, and unintelligent baseball fan. Do NOT engage in it.
b- Beach balls are acceptable, as long as they stay off the field, and stay in the bleachers.
c- If you get up, wait until the end of the play, or the end of an inning. The same thing goes for going back into a row.
d- Do NOT arrive late and drag the usher down with you during the middle of a play.
e- Do NOT show up in a suit unless it’s absolutely necessary.
f- If you don’t know who the players are, refer to the score as two to five, and don’t know the basics of the game and your over the age of seven, then you don’t deserve to be at the ballpark.

It’s pretty much common courtesy for fans to wait until the play ends to either leave or return to their seats. Yet, many fans have no common knowledge of courtesy when it comes to ballpark etiquette. There’s nothing worse than watching a pitcher and batter duel to a full count and having some nut job blocking your view of the payoff pitch because he needs another two beers to double fist.

In 2004, ushers became a bit more active in restricting the comings and goings of fans during action. Unfortunately it seems as if the measure was merely a temporary experiment because they haven‘t done such the last two seasons.

2) Cell Phones

a- Do NOT call other people to brag about your seats.
b- Do NOT call another person in the park, tell them where your sitting and then say “Look, I’m waiving, can you see me?”
c- Do NOT call everyone on your contacts list telling them that you’re at the game.
d- Do NOT take your business to the ballpark. Any business call should not be made in the seats where other fans can be distracted. Those calls can be taken out to the concourse.
e- Do NOT call people at home, tell them you have seats behind the plate and wave to them on television. This not only makes the people around you angry, but the millions watching on TV.

Accepted Cell Phone Calls

a- Any call in which the family matter is urgent, or fits under the role of good parenting, i.e. any call to say “Good Night” to a child is accepted.
b- Any call to check on a questionable or close call, i.e. Dave Roberts stealing second in the ninth inning of Game 4.
c- Any call to arrange a post-game meeting spot this is limited to two calls maximum).
d- Any call to the Red Sox security line to deal with idiotic, drunk, and unruly fans.
e- Any and all calls made in the concourse where people aren’t watching the game.

Pretty simple, eh? Getting your hands on Red Sox tickets wouldn’t be a problem if the Commonwealth of Massachusetts simply executed everybody that tries to call a friend during the middle of the game and proceeds to stand up and waive aimlessly in some mundane direction trying to capture their attention.

3) Manny Ramirez

a- Do NOT scream “MANNY! MANNY!” trying to get his attention while he should be paying attention to the action at home plate.
b- Do NOT try to engage Manny in conversation while he should be paying attention to the action at home plate.
c- Do NOT ask Manny to pose for a photograph at any time during the game.
d- Do NOT encourage Manny’s antics by saying “That’s just Manny being Manny.”
e- It’s NOT okay to give Manny a standing ovation for making a routine play in the outfield.

I have, on several occasions, flashed a $20 dollar bill at Manny while pointing to the field. (Because for 20 Mil a season, that’s where his attention should be.) Trust me, he doesn’t like it. He only likes it when stupid people distract him from the action on the field.

4) Alcohol

a- Do NOT come to the ballpark if your sole purpose is to get drunk. That’s fine in Tampa Bay, but there are more-deserving people who care about the game that deserve to go more then you.
b- If your ordering two beers, that second beer better be for another person.
c- Do NOT drink more then the face value of your ticket.
d- Do NOT drink more then your weight
e- Do NOT under any circumstances buy for anyone under 21. Not only is it illegal, but it’s the younger drunk fans who are the most annoying.
f- If you wish to get drunk wait till after the game.

If they only banned alcohol at sporting events…. If they only banned alcohol at sporting events… If they only banned alcohol at sporting events….Damn, I said it three times and it didn’t happen. Hey, if they did it for a Jets game last year, why can’t they do it here? It’s not like people aren’t going to buy the tickets because of it.

5) Celebrities and Red Sox Families

a- Celebrities who are sitting in the main grandstand, not protected by Red Sox security, or their own personal entourage are to be left alone at all times. Example: Steven King
b- Celebrities who act like celebrities and sit in luxury boxes, dugout boxes, and the .406 club should accept their celebrity duty and sign autographs and pose for pictures with fans when not in their seats. Example: Ben Affleck, his wife Jen and their little baby, too.
c- Wives of Red Sox players are off limits to fans for photos and autograph requests at all times. As long as the wife stays out of the public spotlight. Exception: Shonda Shilling.
d- Kelly Barons, and other Red Sox ball girls are not available for in-game flirting. Nor should they be asked for foul balls at any point. It is up to the ball girls discretion to award the ball.
e- Theo Epstein, Larry Lucchino, and other members of the Red Sox front office staff are off limits to photos and autographs during the game.

Barons might fit under B now that she’s become semi-famous. Michelle Damon qualified for an exception to C.

6) The Yankees

a- The “Yankees Suck” chant is only acceptable during a Yankees-Red Sox game at specific times when it is considered tasteful.

Examples include:

-Any on field scuffle between the two teams
-The Yankees are losing
-Any post-victory celebration on Lansdowne Street, Brookline Avenue, or Yawkey Way

b- It is acceptable to trash-talk the Yankees, and individual team members. It is unacceptable when those attacks become personal, racial, and homophobic, unless there is proper cause for those attacks or personal incidents have become public information.

Examples: A-Rod’s slap during Game 6 of the 2004 ALCS, Gary Sheffield’s wife, Jason Giambi’s BALCO use.

c- There are 28 other teams in baseball that aren’t the New York Yankees. It’s a rivalry, and a good one. But your dedication as a baseball fan shouldn’t just be rooting for the Red Sox and rooting against the Yankees.

This has gotten a lot better since the Red Sox ended the dreaded “Curse of the Bambino” in 2004. People seem less obsessed with the Yankees and more obsessed with their own team, their own players, their own celebrity fans, etc.

7) Cameras

a- Season Ticket Holders and Fenway Park regulars should NOT bring cameras to the ballpark unless:

- It’s the postseason, World Series or Opening Day
- There’s a prearranged meeting with a player or coach
- They are taking a child to his or her first ballgame

b- General ticket holders should not bring cameras to the ballpark unless:

- See season ticket-holder rules
- It’s a special occasion: birthday, anniversary, graduation
- They are sitting either in a luxury suite, .406 club, Monster Seats, or in the dugout boxes
- They are attending with family, as part of a family outing
- Those individuals who only make it to one game a season
- Those coming to Fenway Park from out of the New England area for the first time in at least five years.

c- Pictures that require a pose are to be taken when there’s no action on the field of play.
d- At no point in time should a fan ask a player to pose for a picture during the game or during batting practice.

I am all for bringing the camera to Opening Day and the Playoffs. I just don’t like how every idiot needs to document every single pitch of all seven Red Sox games they attend in a season. Seriously! I think Major League Baseball has rules on this type of thing.

8) Signs

a- Do NOT bring signs which seek attention from the television crew.
Example: “Red Sox Rock on NESN! Hi Don and Jerry.”
b- Do NOT bring signs which state your name, hometown, and your individual love for the team.
Example: “Ben and Jen from Weymouth say Let’s Go Red Sox!”
c- Marriage proposals are cute, as long as the player is currently single.
d- With few exceptions it is unacceptable for anybody over the age of 15 to be carrying a sign in the ballpark.
Exceptions: 1918: “BELIEVE” 2004: “NOW I CAN DIE IN PEACE” from the 1994 New York Rangers Stanley Cup Celebration: “K CARDS.”
e- Do not hold up a sign unless you are 100 percent certain that the television camera is on you. At no point should any fan be standing up holding a sign aimlessly seeking attention.
f- Promotional signs are acceptable “WEEI’s REVERSE THE KURSE” signs, etc.

Simple Math…with few exceptions
Little kids with signs = Cute
Old people with signs = Losers

I think the cut off age here might be 12...

9) Language

a- Shirts are to be tasteful, and inoffensive.
Examples of offensive apparel: “JETER SWALLOWS” shirts.
b- Swearing is unacceptable if there are young fans around.
c- Tasteful commentary is judged on a section by section basis and it’s up to the people in that section, their ages, and should not at any point hinder the enjoyment of the game.

To the drunken idiot in back of me,
I don’t want to hear about that “b**** you banged last night.” Nor do I want to hear about how “s***faced” you are going to get when the game ends. If you aren’t already…
    
                                                           Signed    
                                                                  Jake

10) Foul Balls

- Do NOT stand up and gasp when a foul ball is more then 50 feet away from your seat.
- Do applaud any nice play by a fan. It is perfectly acceptable to compare his fielding skills to Kevin Millar.
- Do NOT keep a foul ball if there’s a child seated around you. Exception: World Series balls.
- Do NOT go out of your way to make a play on a foul ball. The only time it’s acceptable to jump over seats, or spilling a beverage is when avoiding a foul ball.
- Do NOT dive on the field to save a foul ball from reaching one of the ball girls.

I’ve been lucky enough to catch nine. I think I’ve lost three of them and given three of them away. FWIW - I’m only 22 and I’ve given two of the three most recent ones away.

So there you have it. Just follow these simple rules and I’m sure we won’t have a problem should you venture over to Section 32 in the near future.

Jake Duhaime is a regular contributor to Atomic Sports Media. You can reach him at jake.duhaime@atomicsportsmeda.com.

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