Though the majority of local newsstands and sports Internet sites are flooded with fantasy football previews, we here at ASM figure that if you are planning on joining a league this year than you already know that Larry Johnson and Carson Palmer are pretty good. So rather than offering yet another list of arbitrary player rankings and projected stats we decided that it was about time that someone provided some research on the other end of the pastime, namely the categorical behavior of your fellow participants.
Here now, for your league domination purposes, is our groundbreaking research on the main categories and groupings of guys who play fantasy football:
Numericalis Fixatedicus
Retro Reliant The Retro Reliant owner still makes moves as if it was 2004. Expect them to pounce on Kurt Warner, Priest Holmes, or Curtis Martin early on draft day. These guys know the numbers, as well as the recent history of elite fantasy performers. But they don't follow the subtle NFL league wide happenings (coordinator movement, rule changes, fluctuating depth charts, etc) and can be taken advantage of if you have any fading (but well known) players. If you have drafted Jerry Rice or Terrell Davis in the last three years, it might be time to look in the mirror my friend.
Number Dumber This guy tries to rationalize trade proposals he knows are lousy with statistics. He will offer you the infamous "3 for 1" (three marginal players for one dominant starter), and painstakingly show how the numbers add up when you tell him he is an idiot. This guy also leans heavily on the projected roles of certain positions, and will try to sucker you in to overpaying for his Michael Pittman the week that your Carnell Williams goes down. Often confused with the Sports Bully because both are very annoying to deal with.
Favorito Playeralis
Alumni Guy The Alumni Guy has a lot of pride in where he went to school. While this condition is not terminal for guys who went to Texas, Ohio State, or USC it is disastrous for everyone else (especially if you attended DeVry or Phoenix Online University). Alumni Guy pride will occasionally help someone uncover a diamond or two (leading alumnus from Wisconsin to draft former Badgers Chris Chambers and Lee Evans). But in the end this tendency is blinding and will eventually be the demise of all who suffer from it (for example: those guys who took Chambers in the third and Evans in the fourth to take underachieving Ron Dayne in the sixth and picking up perennial non-factor quarterback Jim Sorgi off of waiver soon thereafter.)
Homer Simpleton Quite simply, this style of owner will acquire as many players off of his hometown pro team as possible. If someone in your league comes in to your draft with a name like “Da Bears,” “Pack Attack,” “Raider Nation,” etc it is typically a strong indication that they will be taking the highest ranked player off said team every time their pick rolls around. As for you, pick with logic instead of loyalties, your head over your heart, and numbers over nostalgia.
Takesit Waytooserious
Waiverwire Watcherguy: These owners are easy to spot at parties and bars, as they will scurry about like a colony of nerd ants to their laptops and cell phones whenever an injury (or breakout performance) occurs. If such a scene unfolds, play it cool as you do not want them to sniff you out as a (fantasy football playing) dork ally based on your reactions to any such developments. Play it cool, and obey the fantasy football Sabbath (game time). Lineup adjustments and trades are for Monday through Saturday only.
Nuetered Dame: Fantasy football is still a man’s game, or, at the very least, a numerical representation of a man’s game. Yet this owner won't make a single trade all season, in fear of it backfiring. It is your duty to open fire on your league message board and make fun of this sap as frequently as possible.
The My Mother Didn’t Love Me Enough Sports Bully: This is the guy who is always angry and throwing his weight around like the virtual George Steinbrenner or Daniel Snyder. He will likely spend the majority of his time bashing your team from the draft till the playoffs, as well as criticizing any decision the commissioner makes. Sports Bully owners will spend more time mocking your team than building their own, and any crafty league mates will certainly use this against him.
Paul Tagliaboo-hoo : A league commissioner who will at some point engage in a very lopsided trade with a league member, then cry that it is too late to reverse it. You will often later find out that the league member involved in the trade is either a spouse or relative of said commissioner. Don’t let such back alley dealings go down, foment league ire towards this corrupt league official; and use any confrontation to build up your rapport with the rest of the owners.
Clownus Jestericus
The Witty McSmartypants: A league member who spends more time engaging in verbal jousts on the message board than actually managing their team. They are usually a very humorous league member who values spoken word over the game results. Will be one of the top three members of your league in terms of number of message posts at season’s end. Winning or losing, this person just can’t seem to shut up. Sometimes writes in different styles, will post a limerick followed by a haiku. Enjoy their work, but don’t try to emulate them, it will only encourage several message posts directed at you.
Playerus Virginabre
Fresh Meat: This first year player will be the target of every lopsided trade offer, taunt, and backhanded maneuver the rest of this cast of characters has to offer. Quite simply, when there is fresh blood in the water, the other owners attack like sharks. We’ve all been there, but only some have survived. Just think of it as a rite of passage to prove your mettle as a fantasy owner.
Though we are sure to have overlooked some regionally specific ownership styles, the list above is for the most part as exhaustive as it is accurate. While you still likely need to put in some time studying the multiple Internet guides and national publications in order to win your league, we here at ASM implore you to study your owner profiles as well. The quicker you can recognize the basic ownership styles, the faster you will know exactly what you are up against this season. And as our generation’s combat expert (G.I. Joe) has always taught us, knowing is half the battle.
The so-called ‘Fantasy Nimrods’ have become fast friends since becoming colleagues at Atomic Sports Media. Based on their insightful analysis – and witty prose – it shouldn’t take too long to figure out what manager phylum to which they belong.
They can be reached at scott.larson@atomicsportsmedia.com and brad.seal@atomicsportsmedia.com, respectively.
