And now a word from the Book of Gene.....

Some day I am going to combine my seminary training and love of hoops to compile The Basketball Bible.  It will be an anthology of every sacred stat and strategy related to my favorite game.  Like the real Bible it will be written in several genres including psalm-like poetry, rigid ancient law, and detailed narrative. 

I’ll turn to well known names for help.  Phil Jackson could draw on his quirky mysticism and write me a few chapters of cryptic parables.  Bill Walton would love nothing more than to trace the family lineage of John Wooden back 30 generations.  Dick Vitale could prophesize with a list or two of his ‘diaper dandies.’  And Hubie Brown could document the creation account (of the sport) because, well, I think he was around back in those days.    

But there is one section that twenty years of pickup basketball and an unmatched love of the game has prepared me to write.  Of course I am referring to the book of ‘Basketball Proverbs.’  Behold, a page out of my future masterpiece:

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1 A man with “rec-spec” goggles is not likely good.  2 Blessed is the combo who knows how to defend a pick and roll.  3 A fat man’s back is like the raging sea: none who he posts up will stay dry.  4 A pure jump shot is like honey to the lips, but you’re still a chucker if you never pass.  5 As vinegar to the tongue and smoke to the eyes is a big man who tries to play like a guard.  6 A son who makes varsity brings joy to his father; a daughter who does the same is still boring to watch.  7 An old guy who shoots hook shots deserves not an entry pass.  8 Like a bear or a beast is a man on ‘skins’ who appears to be on ‘shirts’ upon first glance.                     

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1 Do not quarrel over the score in the ghetto.  It is better to not get credit for a shot than to get shot.   2 Always attack a zone defense from the inside-out.  3 Cherry-pickers bring disgrace upon themselves – even if the harvest lasts all day.  4 Like a mighty coil of a single thread is Gene Keady’s hair.  5 A man in short shorts brings shame upon himself.  6 The triple threat position trumps any streetball move.  7 The first picked shall be the best, the last picked usually are short and have red hair.  8 There is a season for friendliness and a time for dialogue, but it is not while changing in the locker room.  9 The sluggard claims he was playing zone when he gets burned by his man. 

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1 Every team in the history of the Big Ten conference has had at least one plodding farm boy.  2 Always force a right handed player to his left.  3 A guy who wears an Allen Iverson jersey to the gym is going to shoot a lot.  4 Every knee brace and prescription device your opponent wears makes it 10 percent more likely that you can get by him.  5 Always box out the shooter.  6 Prize every possession.  7 A team that lives by the jumper will die by the jumper.  8 Become a good free throw shooter or you will never get in games.  9 People from Indiana think they are god’s gift to basketball.  10 Always move without the ball on offense.  11 If a guy is talking too much trash, shoot a fade away jump shot and ‘accidentally’ kick him in the groin. 

And there you have it, timeless wisdom that will not fail you.  May these proverbs hold you over until the full scope of my historic tome is complete.  Commit these verses to memory.  Teach your children.  Share them with strangers on the street corner.  What you do with them is ultimately up to you.  But if you obey, your game will prosper in many ways.