There is so much more to sports than just a ball and stick.  There are the players, the coaches, the money, the deals gone badly, the commentators, the fans, the stadiums, the drafts, and so on... you get the idea.  As a guy, you just thought of approximately 75 specific examples as you read off that list.  As a girl, however, sports information just isn’t that easy to recall on command.

            Fellas, let me break it down for you: guys have an extra part of their brain devoted only to sports.  Why God made it this way I’m not sure, but I’m convinced he did.  In this extra part of the brain, which I call the “sports-bellum,” you know everything and anything there is to know about any sport on this planet.  This part of the brain is there, trust me.  Scientists just haven’t discovered it yet. 

            As a sports enthusiast myself, I do have my areas of expertise in the gaming world, but it is nothing compared to the knowledge that all men seem to possess.  I am here to say it’s just not fair. 

            Here is an example of what I mean; I am a sports writer for the student newspaper at The Ohio State University.  Being a Buckeye, its common knowledge that I should at least know Ohio State football and I’m proud to say I do.  I can even throw a mean spiral, (with a Nerf football at least).  Impressive, I know.  Yet, every time I meet with the all-male sports desk for our weekly meetings, I feel lost in the sports world.  A jumble of sports words just flow out of their mouths and I try to hang on every word catching a name here or there.  By the time I’ve formed an opinion on the issue or person, they have moved on to something new. 

            Despite how I think most guys are, I do have a few male friends that I could call “sports inept.”  These are the guys who jump on the bandwagon of any sports team who is winning.  They proudly sport the hat of some winning franchise, but when they’re asked about the actual team, they freeze up.  I have no respect for guys like that.  I had to mention “these guys” because I don’t want you to get girls confused with them.

             I think most girls have at least once acted like they knew everything about a sport to impress a guy.  They might even wear his favorite team’s jersey hoping to get his attention.  I should know.  I’ve done it.  Maybe you just think she looks cute in your jersey, but there are a few of us out there who actually do like the game.  For the guys who know a girl like me, do me a favor and clue me in.  Slow down when you talk about sports.  It’s not because were stupid.  Most of us just weren’t raised to know whether a .300 batting average is good or bad. 

            To prove it’s not because girls are stupid, let me reverse the situation.  Do guys know if a size 12 is fat or skinny?  Well if you do, you know a lot more about women’s clothing than most guys I’ve met.  In fact, you might want to start taking testosterone enhancing pills just to be safe.

I have to admit, I’m jealous.  How do you guys do it?  My brain theory, although compelling, is obviously wrong.  So, what is it?  Do you watch ESPN all day?  Do you research stats day and night?  Do you constantly follow trades and draft picks?  What is it?  I will give the first guy to clue me in a million dollars.  Well, if I had a million dollars I would.  Actually, I’d probably buy a sports team with that money if I had it.  Wait, can you even buy a sports team with a million dollars? What are they going for these days?  See, case in point, I don’t even know.  Of course, I could do a quick internet search and find out, but why don’t I just know it on the top of my head?   

I hope one day it will all just click.  One day, every sport stat in my head will make sense.  I’ll know why the Indy 500 is interesting.  I’ll know why Shaquille O’Neal is not only a gifted actor, but also a talented basketball player.  I’ll be able to do impressions of sports commentators.  I’ll bust out my Howard Cosell impersonation and impress every guy in the room.  I’m really looking forward to that one.  One day, I will know it all.  I hope that day comes soon.

Maybe I’m just being a typical girl and whining way too much, but I have a burning desire to know everything there is to know about the world of sports.   Until then, I’ll just take it one game at a time and remember that “there’s no crying in baseball” as I continue my noble pursuit.  To any guy who wants to help me along the way, I’m all ears.

Katie Schrader is ashamed to admit that she does not speak sports fluently.  You can clue her in at katie.schrader@atomicsportsmedia.com