In America there are certain things that are seen as untouchable.  Things like ninety-nine cent bacon cheeseburgers, sparklers on the Fourth of July, free nights and weekends, four dollar cups of coffee, and professional football on Sundays.  All of these are American as anything we have going right now, the most prominent being the joy brought to us every autumn weekend by the NFL.

Come every Sunday from September til February, any person that calls themselves a sports fan will be seated firmly in front of a television watching as many games as humanly possible.  Some pay for satellite services which bring every game on the docket straight to their living rooms.  Others steal cable from their neighbor.  Regardless of their methods, one similarity rings true: We love watching football.

However, this God-given right could potentially be taken from us as the players union and league office are currently at odds while negotiating the league’s collective bargaining agreement.  Gene Upshaw, executive director of the players association, has even thrown out the term, (gasp,) “strike.”

I now join my pigskin brethren in saying, “But that just can’t happen!”

Hold your tongue my friend, because it can.  Most recently in 1987 when the two sides last dueled and the already shortened season sported 3 games played by replacement players.

Should we be scared?  Probably not.  Of all the professional sports leagues, the NFL has the best track record for settling these types of disputes.  Nevertheless, I’ve taken the liberty of compiling a few alternatives for those weekends normally spent with a bowl of chips and a few cans of Easy Cheese.

NASCAR

I know, I know.  No one likes NASCAR.  Well maybe it’s because I grew up hours away from any metropolitan area, but I have a thing for it so it’s going at the top of the list.  Besides, how can you hate anything that takes your daily commute and speeds it up to 200 mph?  Imagine being able to take that guy who senselessly switches lanes at an incredible rate while poking along in nearly standstill traffic and spin him into the median.  In NASCAR, that guy is named Kyle Busch and if you take the time to watch a few races I think you might get hooked.

Professional Bull Riding

Ever wondered what life would be like if you wore a cowboy hat?  How about if you were just plain crazy?  Check out the PBR World Championships in Las Vegas at the end of October.  Find answers to questions you’ve always pondered.  How high CAN a man fly without dying on impact?  What kind of salary can one make as a rodeo clown?  What color cowboy hats are acceptable after Labor Day?  Give it a shot.  Besides, if no one crosses the picket line, this is as close to a Broncos/Cowboys game as you’ll get.  (I know it was a corny joke but I could have gone Brokeback Mountain on you.)

Rock-Paper-Scissors World Championships

Yeah.  It’s real.  In fact it’s an annual event held each October in Canada.  The best part?  It takes place in a bar.  Competitors from across the globe gather at Toronto’s  Steam Whistle Brewing to battle in a fierce match of.....pure luck.  Taking the game that makes such important decisions as “who gets the last slice of pizza” to the next level, this tournament pays out a $7,000 first prize.  2005 champion Andrew Bergel walked away with the cash and a sweet trophy to put next to those he won in little league.  This little number is bound to take your mind off of football, at least for a little while.  Besides, Canadian beer is pretty good.  Road trip.

The World Dart Federation British Open

Shifting to another sport that’s best played in a bar, the world of darts holds its British Open each September.  Some of you may have, if only by accident, stumbled across some televised darts while channel surfing late at night.  If you’re one of the lucky few then you know just how invigorating it is watching two overweight British men toss sharp objects at a target while incomprehensible announcers shout terms such as “double top” and “bull for the leg” in a crowded bar full of drunks.  I’m not being sarcastic.  It’s really kind of fun.  Besides, the sport’s 2004 overall champion, Andy Fordham, is a participant on the British version of Celebrity Fit Club.  Imagine Gary Busey drinking while throwing sharp objects and I think you’ll understand why the Brits get so riled up about this.

Masters National Mini-Golf Championship

Remember when you were six and you played mini-golf?  Now remember when you grew up?  Yeah, these guys never did that.  Opting instead to say young at heart, men like 2005 Masters champion Hans Olofsson take part in this tournament of tournaments each October.  While watching this spectacle you’ll receive all the boredom of real golf without having to deal with any of the talent.  The world’s best putters come together in the Mecca of putt-putt, Myrtle Beach, to overcome nasty 12 to 4 breaks, mini-bunkers, and comically undersized windmills.  No word on whether or not a hole in one on 18 wins you a free game.

So you see, we could survive life without football.  It may be a little hard to adjust, but with time we could all come to embrace the ambiance of these bottom-dwellers of the sporting world.

Of course we could all just watch baseball, hockey, and basketball, but what kind of column would that make?  Instead, just sit back, relax, and don’t tell Gary Busey I made fun of him.