“Dance to the beat that we love best
Heading for the nineties
Living in the wild wild west
The wild wild west”

That was Escape Club’s 1980’s hit “Wild Wild West.” What do they have to do with baseball? Well, I’ll tell you.

There are only four teams in the American League West. They all dance to their own beat. But only two of them even have a chance to be “heading for the nineties” in the win column.  And as I, along with my special guests for this A.L. West preview will tell you, it’s not difficult to figure out which two teams it will be.

I have gathered some of the most interesting individuals I could find to give both you and I some insight on not only the Westernmost part of the American league, but baseball in general. So here we go.

Frank Sinatra: “Hey, save me the hassle. The A’s take the title. Anaheim or whatever the hell you wanna call ’em get the Wild Card. Chi-town in the Central and the Bronx in the East. Now write that down, cause I’m done talkin’. I got things ta do.”

Thank you, Frank.

How about you Yogi? What are your predictions for the West?

Yogi Berra: “Baseball is hitting and pitching. Ya gotta be able to field, too.”

OK. That makes sense.

But what about the A’s and their painfully annoying philosophy of “Moneyball”? What is your opinion of that? Do they have what it takes to win the West?

Yogi Berra: “Well, I think they can do it. But only if they win.”

True. Very true. But what about their youthful, aggressive style? Their pitching staff? Barry Zito? Veteran slugger Frank Thomas? Future star Nick Swisher? I think this team has what it takes to be a legitimate contender this year.

Yogi Berra: “Well, if they stay healthy, and win games, then they can contend.”

Right on,Yogi. What about the Mariners?

Frank Costanza (interrupting): “I can’t believe the Yankees traded Jay Buhner! For what? Ken Phelps? We got nothin’ in return! Nothin’! Serenity now!”

Well Frank, it seems as though the Mariners kept getting better as they kept giving their stars away: Griffey, A-Rod, Randy Johnson. Then the bottom fell out at the end of 2003. They haven’t been the same since.

Frank Costanza: “THEY STINK!”

Well, Frank, I wouldn’t say that. They have some decent bats: Ichiro, Richie Sexton, and the infamous Carl Everett. I just don’t see them outplaying anyone else in their division.

Frank Costanza: “THEY COULDN’T BEAT THE YANKEES ONCE IF THEY PLAYED 600 TIMES!”

OK, thanks Frank.

What about you Drew? Who is your pick for the A.L. West?

Drew Rosenhaus: “Next question.”

No, seriously Drew. It’s going to be tough to beat the Angels lineup with Edgardo Alfonzo, Orlando Cabrera, Garret Anderson, Darin Erstad and Vladimir Guerrero. Factor in their solid rotation and one of the best closers in the game, Francisco Rodriguez, and this team is not only a threat to win the West, but they will be a true pennant contender. You agree Drew?

 Drew Rosenhaus: “Next question.”

Drew, this is getting ridiculous.

Drew Rosenhaus: “Due to factors that were unforeseen prior to this interview, I will no longer be able to answer anymore questions. I have been nothing but cooperative. It is unfortunate that I must exit at this time. I’m glad I could assist you.”

(I’m speechless.)

OK then. Kenny, what do you see the Rangers doing this year?

Kenny Rogers (singer): “You got to knowwww when to holllld ’em… know when to folllld ’em… know when to walk away, and know when to run.”

Right. What about you Kenny?

Kenny Rogers (pitcher): SMACK. CRUNCH. BANG. (He just hit me with a camera.)

Well, Kenny and Kenny, the Rangers came close to contending last year. They certainly swing away and have tons of speed. But like most teams that finish in the middle, a mediocre rotation is what stops them from stepping up to post-season contention. But they did sign Kevin Millwood. Then again, they lost Soriano’s bat. However--

Toby Keith (interrupting): “I’m a Ford truck man. Howdaya like me now? I shoulda been a cowboy!”

Hey, nobody invited you Toby. Frank, take care of this guy.

Frank Sinatra: “Hey Tex, you got five seconds before I take that stupid cowboy hat and put it somewhere you won’t like. So go back home and tell ’em the Yankees are comin’. Start spreadin’ the news, kid.”

Well, this preview has gotten out of hand. While all of my guests are beating up Toby Keith, let me give you my predictions.

1. Athletics (98 wins)
2. Angels (93 wins)
3. Rangers (82 wins)
4. Mariners (68 wins)

Sorry L.A., but Boston gets the Wild Card.

Trace Hacquard is a contributing columnist at Atomic Sports Media and our resident free spirit. Trace can be reached at trace.hacquard@atomicsportsmedia.com.