I’m quite excited right now.  Giddy, I dare say.  I deserve to be too, considering what I have accomplished.  I have solved the matrix.  I’ve reached a sports Eden that many less fortunate men can only imagine.  I, without the help of drugs or bribing with chocolate, have managed to lure my girlfriend into the web of the NCAA basketball tournament. 

She’s mad for March Madness.  She watched over twelve hours worth of the tournament in the first two days – and she wanted more.  This morning she heard the NCAA tournament theme song on CBS and she literally started bouncing up and down with excitement.

I, however, am not here to wag my finger in your face and point at the scoreboard.  I’m here to help you, the faithful sports fan.  See, the month of March does not have to be filled with constant battles and compromises. 

You don’t have to withstand three hours of Oprah in order to catch the Texas vs. N.C. State match up.  Your viewing of the Final Four does not have to come at the expense of several episodes of Project Runway or America’s Next Top Model. 

If you follow my simple steps over the next 330 days, by next year you will have your girl sitting next to you screaming at the television.  And then you will know what love is.

Step One:  Get the Right Girl

This is the most obvious, yet most difficult step to take.  Several of you may have to wave bye-bye to your current fling.  You don’t need a woman who is a sports freak in order to enjoy the tournament, but you do have to find a lady who isn’t dead-set against your sporting endeavors. 

Some women simply refuse to find anything remotely interesting about sporting events.  Perhaps they were dumped by the star soccer player in high school and are holding a grudge.  Maybe they don’t see enough emotional growth in competitive sports.  Or they may just be taking advantage of your love for sports in order to gain some power in the relationship. 

Whatever the reason behind their lack of sport-watching support, these women must go.  Let them find a metrosexual man somewhere to eat brunch with and then get couples manicures and pedicures. 

You will be much happier down the road and so will they.  In fact, I’ve heard that Sting wrote “If you love somebody, set them free” while attempting to watch a soccer match with a nagging lover.  Those are wise words from a great musician. 

Step Two:  Do Your Prep Work (For Her) Before the Tournament Begins

To you, prep work means pouring over defensive stats, figuring out which teams are peaking at the right time, and deciding which big name school is ripe for an upset.  You can’t subject a poor girl to this much information too quickly. 

It would be like her expecting you to do the splits when you haven’t stretched in five years.  Reading off rankings and stats would push away your lovely lady faster than Barry Bonds can deny wrongdoing. 

Think outside the lane on this idea, guys.  Tell her about a player with a cool name (my girlfriend absolutely loves Kevin Pittsnogle) or an interesting background (like Adam Morrison and his diabetes).  Make sure you tell her about some of the more original mascots from schools playing in the tournament. 

Maybe even look up the history of certain schools so you can drop an interesting anecdote here or there.  Maybe let her know that the center for LSU likes rocky road ice cream just like she does.  This gives her a familiar team or player to root for throughout the tournament.  By doing this, you are planting the seeds for her interest to grow in the upcoming weeks.

Step Three: Let Her Pick Her Own Bracket in the Tournament

I know you mean well when you hover over the poor lady as she picks her bracket.  But let her do it alone.  Like you, she has a reason why she picks who she picks (just different reasons from you).  You only need to explain the seeding system to her so she knows what the number next to each team means (if she hasn’t figured it out already – she isn’t going to be real happy if you talk to her like she’s an idiot). 

You can suggest to her that a number sixteen seed has never beaten a number one seed, but don’t force her anywhere.  If she insists that Albany will take out UConn, let her learn from her own mistakes. 

For example, my girlfriend picked Bradley to advance to the Sweet Sixteen simply based on the fact that my name is Brad.  I quietly laughed when I looked at her bracket, but did not tell her to change any of her crazy picks.  Now, Bradley is on their way to the Sweet Sixteen and my “knowledgeable” Kansas pick has both made me look like an ass as well as partially destroyed my bracket. 

She picked Gonzaga to win it all based mostly on the name of the school.  While I don’t have the Zags even making the Final Four, I said nothing.  Now she is noticeably concerned that the party we have to attend on Saturday night will not be showing the Gonzaga game.  Amazing.  Hey, it’s her team and I’ll be damned if I ruin the excitement. 

Step Four: Convince Her That Even if She Loses a Team, Her Bracket Isn’t Ruined

On Friday I thought my girlfriend was going to have an aneurysm.  Northwestern State had just hit a last second prayer to beat heavily favored Iowa and my belle apparently had the Hawkeyes going places in her bracket.  She screamed and fell from the couch as if she were in the throes of death. 

I calmly sat next to her, gave her a punch in the shoulder and told the little camper to buck up.  I explained that even though she lost Iowa, there would be several more upsets to come in the tourney and she would soon get revenge on the other participants. 

We then sat down and figured out which teams needed to be upset in order to help her  (enter the Bradley upset of Kansas.)  Now she’s back on the couch cheering on Gonzaga, Kevin Pittsnogle, and the upset-minded Bradley Braves.  I’m so proud of her.

Step Five:  Buy Her a Spicy Chicken Sandwich (or Some Kind of Treat)

If you have been watching March Madness, then you have probably seen the 354 commercials from Wendy’s advertising the spicy chicken sandwich.  My girlfriend started talking about this treat non-stop for about a day and a half.  We don’t generally eat fast food, but I decided to make an exception during the tournament.  While I did it to make my girl happy, I did have an ulterior motive. 

I’m sure you are familiar with the human tendency to associate tastes and smells with events.  To many people, baseball games mean hotdogs and peanuts; movies equal candy and popcorn.  Now, thanks to my quick thinking and Wendy’s constant advertising bombardments, when my girlfriend sees the words “March Madness” she will think of a spicy chicken sandwich.  And she will smile.

I have presented you with an opportunity.  Now I expect you to take advantage, my fellow sports enthusiasts.  Follow my series of five simple steps and by next year’s March Madness, you will be sitting with your loved one screaming bloody murder at the television.  It is couples bonding at its finest.  One day you, too, can share in the magic.

Brad came to New York from Dallas to live the glorious life of an underpaid actor.  He then decided he'd rather get not paid to work on sports because that is where his biggest passion lies.

He can be reached at brad.seal@atomicsportsmedia.com.