Even though much of the Midwest is bracing for a snowstorm, the arrival of the first official day of spring means that America’s most boring pastime will soon be upon us.
    
Don’t get me wrong, I love the game, and I love to play it, but I’d rather watch the groundskeepers at Fenway Park cut the grass so that you can see the socks in the infield than watch a 162-game baseball season. And why 162 games anyway?
    
How can the Red Sox-Yankees rivalry be that big of a deal when they play like 12 times each season. Would the Ohio State-Michigan rivalry be as big as it is if they played more than once every year? (And do rhetorical questions have answers?)
    
My assignment: to preview the National League Eastern division.

Your assignment: be enlightened.
    
I won’t bore you with off-season transactions and go on and on about statistics. Nope, this season I’m taking the Stephen Colbert approach to a baseball preview and picking the standings based on how I feel they will turn out.

2006 NL East Finish

1. Atlanta Braves
2. New York Mets
3. Philadelphia Phillies
4. Washington Nationals
5. Florida Marlins

Braves

It would be stupid to pick against the Braves. Every year for the past 14 seasons sportswriters come up with a reason to doubt them, and every year they end up with more than 100 wins and the division title. This year will be no different.
    
The Braves are like that kid in high school who does his homework, gets good grades and never causes any trouble. Every year the community is abuzz with how well the “star athlete” will do while he is in the gym working harder than everyone else.
    
Hard work pays off.
    
Atlanta took a few big hits this winter but it’s their methodical one-step-at-a-time approach that will undoubtedly lead to title No. 15.
    
Losing All-Star shortstop Rafael Furcal and pitching coach Leo Mazzone was rough, but picking up Edgar Rentaria will bring a nice stick to the lineup.
    
Andruw Jones will be looking to improve on his stellar 51-homerun season a year ago, and Chipper Jones, if he stays healthy, will give the Braves a great 1-2 punch in the middle of the lineup. Catcher Brian McCann will spend this whole season behind the dish and has the potential to be one of the best hitting catchers in the NL.

John Smoltz and Tim Hudson will front the pitching rotation and could prove to be the best duo in the National League. The bullpen will be the Braves’ weakest link, just as it was a year ago. The lanky Canadian Chris Reitsma will get his shot as the closer but may be challenged by the 22-year-old Joey Devine for time on the hill. Devine has the distinct misfortune of being the only pitcher in league history to give up grand slams in his first two appearances but has come back strong so far this Spring.

Key Player- While there are a number of good players on this year’s team, it’s got to be Reitsma. The Braves’ bullpen is the real question mark this season and if he can step up, they’ll be tough.

The Rest of the East

I spent a little more time on the team I picked to win the division for good reason. First place is really all that matters, right?
    
I got a little creative with the rest of the NL East. As I was researching the teams, I noticed that each one had a lot of characteristics of buddies of mine. I’m sure we all have friends like these.
    
Mets - the “Pretty Boy” buddy

This year’s Mets are like that guy who is just oozing with so much talent that it’s almost disgusting. What’s even worse is the fact that he doesn’t even seem to try at all.
    
He’s funny, smooth talking and good looking. You have to practically pay girls to talk to you but your buddy “Mets” is beating them off with a stick. Of course, he may date the best looking gals and drive the nicest car but he never reaches his potential.

Translation: The Mets went crazy this winter acquiring studs like Carlos Delgado, Paul LoDuca, Billy Wagner and Xavier Nady. Combine that with the talent already there - Carlos Beltran, Pedro Martinez and Tom Glavine - and it would be hard to bet against them. While they will have good starting pitching, there will be a huge drop off after Martinez and Glavine, and the bullpen is not that deep.
    
The Mets aren’t as balanced as the Braves, which means no title for New York. They still might manage to grab the Wild Card though.
    
Phillies - the “D’s get degrees” buddy

“Phillies” favorite band is playing at the bar down the street but he has a midterm in the morning.
    
He studies a little, gets all dressed up, and heads to the bar. He wakes up the next morning with a head-pounding hangover, stumbles to class, and takes his midterm.
    
A little self-discipline would have probably resulted in an “A” but old “Phillies” is content bragging about going out and still getting a “C.”    

Translation: It seems like every season Philadelphia has such high hopes but usually ends up with a disappointing 85-win, no-playoff season.
    
The Phillies are just an average team in every aspect of the game. Pitching will create problems that even their hitters can’t overcome, and they will suffer through their 13th straight season without a post-season appearance.

Nationals - the “he’s not fat he’s husky” buddy

We’ve all got that friend that’s fat - or as my mom used to say “husky” - and is hilarious. He is usually great at making jokes and even better at making jokes about himself. “Nationals” always seems to be in a good mood. Of course, that might be because he’s hiding some deep-seeded depression for being fat, but what do you care, he’s funny. You can’t help but like him and cheer for him.

Translation: The National’s offense may be the worst in the National League, and the pitching rotation will be hurting as Brian Lawrence will likely miss the first half of the season. Jose Vidro and Alfonso Soriano both play second base so there is the potential for some head-butting.
    
Livan Hernandez is the perfect example of the “chubby kid” persona we all love, and his pitching style is a treat.

Marlins - the “man you’ve changed” buddy

Growing up, there’s always that one buddy who never messed up. He never let you go scope out his dad’s nudie magazines on sleepovers and would never dream of doing anything wrong. Then, after graduation, everyone goes off to college, and when you come home winter break and see that he’s chaged his hair color, pierced every inch of his body, and tattooed his whole right arm.
    
Okay maybe that’s a bit exaggerated but you get what I’m saying.

Translation: This year’s Florida Marlins are all that’s left after owner Jeffrey Loria decided to ship all their talent away in an apparent attempt to force the tax payers of South Florida to build a new baseball stadium.
    
Delgado, LoDuca, Josh Beckett, Luis Castillo, Alex Gonzalez and Juan Encarnacion were all traded away, leaving a team with very little talent and no chance for a postseason berth for a few years.

Jim Field is a contributing writer for Atomic Sports Media. He is a staff writer for Uweekly, published every Wednesday on the Ohio State University campus. You can reach him at James.Field@atomicsportsmedia.com.