Published on 04/12/2006

Baseball's back, and the game has lost nothing during the offseason. Phil Mattingly revisits the opening week that was.

There is something about early April that just makes me realize that life is about to become really great. The Ohio sun reemerges after a five-month vacation. Every student’s scholastic endeavors suddenly start to become secondary to more pressing matters (i.e. sand volleyball, cookouts, and beers on the porch). But most importantly, the official first pitch of baseball season is tossed out.

Every year it’s a glorious time. Here are a few highlights (and lowlights) of the opening week on the diamond. An opening week that indicates, once again, that baseball is back with full force.

Rain delays that last for four hours are just not good for the viewer. I do not know a single person who actually realized they completed the White Sox/Indians opening game until watching SportsCenter the next morning. How does that happen?
While we’re on the topic of the White Sox, a three-day celebration for winning the World Championship? How does the old saying go, “Act like you’ve done it before?” I understand it was their first title in 88 years, but a spending three days unveiling the banner, receiving their rings, and presenting of the trophy was just a little too self-congratulatory. Good for the Tribe for taking two out of three.
The Tigers and Brewers are going undefeated this season. (Guess not.)
Say what you want about the politics of George W. Bush, but the man can deliver when it comes to tossing out a first pitch.
Curt Schilling is not just out of shape, he is bordering on obesity.
So are Bartolo Colon and C.C. Sabathia…in fact, 2006 may go down in history as “The Year of the Fat Pitcher.” I might copyright that.
Chris Shelton is the best hitter in baseball (if you do not know who Chris Shelton is or who he plays for, don’t worry, you’re in the majority, but he finished the first week with a .700 average and leading the league in every major hitting category)
Albert Pujols is an absolute monster and proof that some humans are just born to hit enormous home runs, chemical enhancement not necessary.
While we are on the topic of chemical enhancement, Barry Bonds had a syringe thrown at him in San Diego. He was quoted after the game as saying “I just picked it up to take it off the field so no one would get hurt.” Right, Barry Bonds is concerned about the well being of others….does that include all of the fans he has misled throughout the years with the continuing charade that he did not take steroids. Meanwhile, what kind of person is going to get hurt by a syringe that doesn’t have a needle in it?
Speaking of Bonds, his self-produced “reality show” Bonds on Bonds debuted this past week and produced some shocking revelations. Barry Bonds hates the media, has an unbelievably foul mouth, and is related to Willie Mays. Wait, that might have all been common knowledge already.
My beloved Yankees proved they were the greatest offensive force in baseball history on opening day. They then proceeded to look absolutely awful and lose their next four games. Sweet, apparently that 200+ million dollar payroll can’t buy good pitching.
With all the talk of the Dodgers contending this year revolving around the team’s ability to stay healthy, Nomar was already on the DL by opening day and Eric Gagne was having possible season-ending surgery by game three. Sorry Los Angeles, at least you have the Angels (kind of.)
Along the same lines, Kerry Wood and Mark Prior will eventually retire, sharing the record for most Cubs fans’ hopes crushed in two careers.
Being an Ohio native, but not really an Ohio professional sports fan, I am privy to the annual right of spring where everyone is sure that this is the year for the Indians. For the first time in a while, I am actually inclined to believe these unbelievably optimistic Tribe fans.
If you were a free agent and you signed with the ______ (enter which of the following apply: Royals, Devil Rays, Pirates, or Rockies) you now officially have to admit you only cared about the money.
The Red Sox suck.

It is true that April brings forth a rebirth of some sorts with the emergence of spring, but most importantly, April brings forth the resurrection of America’s past time. Beer, hot dogs, and peanuts officially make their way back into our respective diets, and males from six to 60 are willing to fight their mothers for a foul ball. Thank goodness for spring and the warm weather, but most importantly, thank goodness for the return of Major League baseball. If this opening week is any indication, we are in store for another great seven months on the diamond.

Phil Mattingly is a senior in English at The Ohio State University. He writes for the student newspaper, The Lantern, and actually hates the Red Sox with every ounce of his heart.

He can be reached at phil.mattingly@atomicsportsmedia.com