If you go to an Internet search engine like Yahoo! or Google and type in the words “2006 Mock Draft,” your computer will overload from all of the sites that are displayed.  It seems that today, every guy that has a lukewarm interest in NFL football feels compelled to publish a mock draft.  You’ll find conservative mock drafts that involve absolutely no trades or reaches whatsoever, and you will find mock drafts that are busier than Grand Central Station at rush hour as the author desperately attempts to predict blockbuster transactions. 

The one thing that the majority of these drafts have in common is that the people who publish them have absolutely no idea what is going to happen (including yours truly).  You can read the team depth chart, examine free-agent signings ad nauseam, and watch game film until your eyeballs cross, but unless you are on speaking terms with NFL scouts and general managers, you are simply making an educated (or, more likely, uneducated) guess. 

It logically follows, then, that there is nothing legitimate about the following Mock Draft.  It is simply the direction I wish the draft would take on April 29th.  It’s probably not going to happen, but man would the draft be fun to watch if it did.  Plus it would leave Mel Kiper speechless – a silence for which we all have now been waiting a decade.

1. New York Jets (from Houston Texans) – Reggie Bush RB/USC 

I like the Houston Texans and wish them success, but for the sake of every New York City resident, I pray that the Jets get Bush. Every single week of last season, I was subjected to the ‘Chinese fFire dDrill’ that was the Jets offense, and it was uglier than a bulldog with an under bite. Every single offensive series seemed to feature a couple of three-yard runs, an incomplete pass, and a punt. It was more exciting to put on pants. Bush can score from anywhere on the field, and will give the Gang Green fans some semblance of offensive hope next year while giving Houston a bevy of extra draft slots. Bush is going to a bad team no matter what, so he might as well get used to it and have a chance to take in a Broadway show. 

2.  Tennessee Titans (from New Orleans Saints) – Matt Leinart QB/USC

The Saints at least get to trade down one spot.  The Titans are worried about the rumors that a few teams are trying to trade up and grab Leinart with the second pick, so they swap picks with New Orleans in order to get their guy.  I used to like the Titans, right up until they essentially kicked Steve McNair to the curb.  I’m not sure if any QB would want to come into that situation:  you give your body and soul to the team for a decade and then they unceremoniously bar you from entering the facilities.  At least Leinart will have a familiar face in Norm Chow, the Titan offensive coordinator who held the same position at USC when they won their second straight national title.  Chow would also be the ideal man to give Leinart a heads-up call when the Titans padlock the door after they get tired of paying him, too. 

3.  San Francisco 49ers (from New Orleans Saints) – Mario Williams DE/Maryland

The 49ers need help everywhere and the Saints don’t want to pay for a  top five pick.  The result is the teams making a trade and the 49ers getting a good defensive player.  The 49ers best player being on defense . . . sounds really odd.

4.  Houston Texans (from New York Jets) – D’Brickashaw Ferguson OT/Virginia

That dull thudding sound is David Carr doing back flips in Houston.  He’s excited at the premise of actually getting sacked fewer than 28 times a game.  Ferguson would provide the first piece of a decent Texan offensive line and Houston would have an extra first, second, and third round selections from trading with the Jets.  Plus, it would be great to hear the name D’Brickashaw pronounced in a thick Texas drawl every Sunday.

5.  Green Bay Packers – Vernon Davis TE/Maryland

Davis would give the Packers the first premiere pass receiver since Sterling Sharpe retired.  However, he immediately gains 15 pounds after the draft by eating a block of cheese.

6.  Cleveland Browns (from New Orleans Saints) – A.J. Hawk OLB/Ohio State

Hawk can’t go to a polished team.  He’s too rough and scruffy to play that kind of football.  Hawk needs to go to a franchise that is so ugly that it is actually lovable.  That makes the Saints a perfect fit for him.  Too bad they don’t want to pay for a top ten draft pick.  Browns coach Romeo Crennel knows this, which is why he trades up from the 12th slot to the 6th slot in order to grab the former Ohio State star.  Hawk would look just right in a dirty Browns uniform with mud dripping off of his facemask.

7.  Oakland Raiders – Antonio Cromartie CB/Florida State

Sure, Michael Huff is the highest rated pass defender still left on the board.  Problem is, he’s a quiet leader who works diligently on and off the field.  As Al Davis explains, “that’s not the Raider way.”  The Raiders go with Cromartie who is a risk, but has a much better chance to be arrested and charged with assault.  He’ll make Davis proud.

8.  Buffalo Bills – Haloti Ngata DT/Oregon

Ngata is a big, fat, defensive tackle that clogs the inside running lanes.  He’s not going to get many sacks and he’s not going to make many tackles.  He’s just going to create a big traffic jam in the middle of the field that will turn the football game into an ugly scrum, which is what new head coach Dick Jauron wants.  I’d like to take this moment to apologize to Bills fans for the next few seasons of boring, soul-sucking football that they will be forced to watch.

9. Detroit Lions – Chad Jackson WR/Florida

The famed Joey Harrington to Charles Rodgers era officially ends in Motown… I will jump out of my seat and cheer for this pick.  I will then hit record on my VCR in order to catch every moment of the chaos after the pick is announced.  I want to review everything from Matt Millen explaining to a stunned press how you never can have too many receivers to the riots the will occur outside of the Lions facilities.  Although this pick will never happen, it would absolutely make my day if Detroit picked a wideout in the first round for the fourth consecutive year .

10. Arizona Cardinals – Vince Young QB/Texas

The Cardinals can’t be stupid enough to think that Kurt Warner is their future quarterback.  When a talent like Young drops down to them, the Cardinals pull the trigger giving them a future cast of Young, Edge James, Larry Fitzgerald, and Anquan Boldin.  Now Cardinal fans can actually come to games and expect a win – once and awhile.

11.  St Louis Rams – Jay Cutler QB/Vanderbilt

The Rams want a quarterback, and when Cutler falls to them at pick 11, they grab the rifle-armed QB.  He sits for a year while Marc Bulger teaches him how to read defenses and how to treat the different injuries he will get playing quarterback for the Rams.

12.  Dallas Cowboys (from New Orleans Saints) – Michael Huff FS/Texas

The Saints don’t want to pay anyone top 15-pick money, so the Cowboys take advantage.  They grab Huff, the highest rated defensive back on the board, to pair with Roy Williams in the defensive backfield.  Now, Huff can cover receivers while Williams runs around and tries to decapitate everyone during his frequent blitzes.  The two safeties may not speak to each other since Huff is a Texas Longhorn and Williams is an Oklahoma Sooner, but they should play very well together.

13. Baltimore Ravens – Pass

Ravens G.M. Ozzie Newsome is a great general manager and has the name of Ernie Sims or Broderick Bunkley all ready to go.  The problem is, head coach Brian Billick is an egomaniac and wants the Ravens to draft his favorite player.  A giant brawl ensues and by the time Newsome throws Billick out the window and into a bush, there is no time for him to phone his pick to New York.

14.  Philadelphia Eagles – Ernie Sims/LB Florida State

The Eagles have New York on speed dial and as soon as the Baltimore pick passes, they jump forward and grab Sims to help the defense with a play-making linebacker.  The television camera catches Andy Reid as he is about to smile…and then doesn’t.

15.  Denver Broncos – Broderick Bunkley/DT Florida State

The Broncos also quickly dial their draft pick in so that there is absolutely no chance for Baltimore to recover their draft pick.  That’s they way it goes in the NFL: you make a mistake and there is suddenly a feeding frenzy of teams ready to kick you in the crotch.

16.  Miami Dolphins – Marcus McNeil/OT Auburn

Nick Saban quickly joins the fray as he grabs former SEC player, Marcus McNeil.  McNeil is a giant and should help Saban transform the Dolphin offense into a grinding run-oriented attack.  Now if Ricky Williams could actually stay clean long enough to play. . . .

       13. Baltimore Ravens – Winston Justice/OT USC

Ala the Minnesota Vikings of a few years ago, the Ravens finally get the pick in.  Newsome attempts to save face by explaining that the Ravens got exactly who they wanted four slots lower, thereby saving the always cash-conscious Ravens money in the process.  He refuses to answer questions about how he got the nasty shiner over his eye or where notable camera hog Brian Billick is.

17. Minnesota Vikings – D’Angelo Williams/RB Memphis

The Vikings decide that trying to share carries between a bunch of average running backs is not a good idea.  They grab Williams and Viking fans cheer that they only have to buy one jersey with a running back’s number on it. 

18.  Denver Broncos (from New Orleans Saints) – Santonio Holmes/WR Ohio State

The Saints decide that drafting a player in the top 20 will require too much money, so they trade down with the Broncos.  Holmes gives quarterback Jake Plummer another weapon to miss when he throws consistently awful and inexcusable interceptions.

19.  San Diego Chargers – Jimmy Williams/CB Virginia Tech

The Chargers attempt to patch up their secondary so that the defense won’t give up points as fast as the offense scores them.  As soon as Williams arrives in San Diego, he gets into a brawl with Shawn Merriman who knocks his lights out.  When Williams regains consciousness, he and Merriman go bond over some fish tacos – prompting head coach Marty Schottenheimer to use those same treats in a motivational speech before Opening Day next season.

20. Kansas City Chiefs – Tye Hill/ CB Clemson

Basically, the Chiefs could pick up any defensive player left on the board and upgrade some part of their porous defensive unit.  That D is like a lemon car: no matter how much money is thrown to upgrade it, somehow it still sucks.  One of these years, the defense has to improve.  Of course, by then the offense will be old and declining.

21.  New England Patriots – Bobby Carpenter/LB Ohio State

Head coach Bill Bellichick won’t be able to resist Carpenter; he likes those smart, tough linebackers.  Carpenter will team with Teddy Bruschi and Mike Vrabel, as New England becomes the unofficial haven for the white linebackers who aren’t overly athletic, but are smart and tough.  The cameras will catch Bellichick as he almost smiles . . . and then doesn’t.

22.  New Orleans Saints – Chad Greenway/LB Iowa

After head coach Sean Payton, shaking with rage, points a gun at GM Mickey Loomis, the Saints finally make a pick.  They won’t have to pay Greenway as much, which makes owner Tom Benson happy, plus they picked up an extra 14 draft picks by trading down so many times. 

23.  Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Kamerion Wimberly/LB Florida State

Wimberly simply roller skates from Tallahassee down to Tampa Bay where he will be groomed as the next great Bucs outside linebacker from Florida State.  He immediately puts on an eye patch and makes his girlfriend walk the plank on the big pirate ship at the stadium.  Arrrrrrrr, ye scallywags!

24. Cincinnati Bengals – Mathius Kawinuka/DE Boston College

Head coach Marvin Lewis is a defensive coordinator at heart.  So I’m sure he was thrilled with the multiple score-fests his teams got into last year.  Lewis promises Kawinuka one of Chad Johnson’s gold teeth for every sack he records next season.

25.  New York Giants – DeMeco Ryans/LB Alabama

Ryans and his family cheer when they hear his name announced on the television.  Shortly thereafter the doorbell rings and a UPS worker delivers him head coach Tom Coughlin’s 454-pound rulebook, causing Ryans to weep.

26.  Chicago Bears – Jonathan Joseph/CB South Carolina

Joseph is given a straw-filled dummy of Steve Smith to practice hitting during the off-season.  He then has to persuade Brian Urlacher not to dismember it out of spite.

27.  Carolina Panthers – Lendale White/RB USC

White is in a free fall down most boards because he is injured.  The Panthers see that as a common quality with current back DeShawn Foster.  The two runners hit it off instantly and practice icing one another in the training room.

28. Jacksonville Jaguars – Davin Joseph/OG Oklahoma

The Jags are disappointed they didn’t get Lendale White to pair with oft-injured running back ‘Fragile’ Fred Taylor, so they select Joseph to upgrade the offensive line.  There is an initial problem as the Jags management confuses Joseph with QB Byron Leftwich as they are nearly the same size.  Joseph immediately lobbies for the black jerseys next year because teal makes him look pudgy. 

29.  New York Jets – Nick Mangold/C Ohio State

Jets have the great Curtis Martin and now Reggie Bush at running back.  It’s hard, however, for them to really do much when they get consistently smashed in the backfield due to a leaky offensive line.  QB Chad Pennington quickly bribes Mangold to have a few “problematic snaps” with new Jet QB, Patrick Ramsey.

30.  Indianapolis Colts – Laurence Maroney/ RB Minnesota

There aren’t any jokes here; the Colts need a running back.  Period.

31.  Seattle Seahawks – Max Jean-Gilles/ OG Georgia

Let’s track the Seahawks off-season moves – not counting Nate Burleson – shall we?    1. Seahawks resign Shaun Alexander.  2.  Seahawks lose massive OG Steve Hutchinson.  I’m going out on a limb and saying they will draft an offensive guard.

32.  Pittsburgh Steelers – Sinorice Moss/ WR Miami

Moss comes in to replace the departed Antwaan Randle El.  He begins taking classes on how to complain about pass-interference after every incomplete ball just like Randle El used to do.  Las Vegas gives odds on how long it takes before Moss gets the nickname Twizzler since his first name looks so much like Licorice.

Well, there you have it.  My mock of a mock draft for what it’s worth.  Here’s the funniest part about it, though:  this ridiculous excuse for a mock draft will probably have as many correctly guessed picks as most of the “expert” drafts out there.  Which, of course, begs the penultimate question: why does anybody bother to read those things?