Remember what it was like to go to prom in high school?  You’d clean out your car, pick up your date while fumbling with a potentially dangerous corsage pin and fidgeting in an ill-fitting rental tuxedo, all the while trying to avoid talking to one of the world’s most nervous and intimidating fathers.  Yeah, those were good times. 

Well doesn’t it make you wonder what it would have been like if our favorite professional athletes took the time to attend this teenage rite-of-passage ritual?  In 2004 Jermaine O’Neal was asked to prom by an Indianapolis high school senior by the name of Janese Banks and he graciously accepted.  I wonder, however, just how the Pacers’ big man performed in an election much more prestigious than the MVP voting.  I’m talking, of course, about prom king. 

Keeping this question in mind, here are how I think a few of today’s premier athletes might fair in the ultimate exercise in materialism and juvenile embarrassment.

Candidates for King

1.  LeBron James- Naturally, the savior of roundball has to make the list.  Of course, it doesn’t hurt that not too long ago King James was attending these functions himself and should sport some familiarity.  In addition to an ungodly amount of hops, LeBron is also growing a playoff beard.  How freakin’ cool is that?!  Plus, there’s a pretty good chance everyone would get one of those cool “Witness” T-shirts at the after-prom.

2.  Kobe Bryant- Every high school has at least one dominant athlete that everyone else basically refers to as a prick.  He walks around the lunch room with an aura of invincibility, he cuts right to the front of the line, he never passes the ball during a 3 on 3 tournament in gym class.  It’s outrageous.  Somehow, though, he has a smoking hot girlfriend that seems to have him wrapped around her little finger...I wonder what he did to be owned so bad?  Hmm.  On the bright side, he gave himself a nickname like “Mamba.”  So if he wins you can make a plethora of “Mamba” jokes.  If you’re not witty then at least you just get to say “Mamba” a lot.  Mamba...

3.  Andy Roddick- You know this kid.  His parents are pretty well off, he has a membership at the local country club where he hangs out with his tennis coach and he has a lot of really clean polo shirts.  Well he plays tennis and since nobody really pays attention to high school tennis he can tell you whatever he wants.  He always blabs about that one time when he won that big tournament...the U.S. Open or something...then he just keeps yapping about all those times he almost won.  No one takes the golden boy really seriously and he’s just more of a dark horse at this point.  The Ross Perot of prom kings, if you will.

4.  Ricky Williams- Every school has one guy who seems a little...well...earthy.  He’s the guy that nobody really has a problem with but doesn’t really hangout with either.  He’ll be seen sneaking out the back door of the gym with a few of his buddies only to return feeling high as a.....that’d just be too easy.  Regardless though he’d make the ballot and may even make an underground push for the crown.  Although it’s much more likely that he’d skip out early to make use of his 100 percent hemp tuxedo.

5.  Steve Nash- Yeah, he’s the little guy.  Constantly working to make other’s happy, Nash is a student body favorite.  He’s often seen hustling around the hallways, picking up people’s books and is always smiling.  Always the hard worker, Nash is considered a gym rat and spends tireless hours looking for the open man.  Unfortunately, he’ll be the only one uncovered at this prom since none of the ladies wanted to dance with the shortest guy in the school.  Plus, he’s from Canada.

Candidates for Queen

1.  Anna Kournikova- The obvious favorite.  Yeah, she doesn’t really do too much but she runs around with that Roddick kid at the tennis courts while mainly trying to pick which serving style flatters her figure the most.  While excellent as a doubles player, she’s often presented with troubles when out on her own.  She probably just plays so she can wear a skirt and can be seen on most days smoking cigarettes while sitting on the hood of Kobe’s Firebird after school.  Needless to say, every man wants her.

2.  Maria Sharapova- The actual star of the tennis team, Maria can’t figure out whatever it is that makes the guys yearn for Anna so much.  She’s the one who wins all the championships yet they don’t turn a blind eye to her, which is surprising since she’s no old maid herself.  Of course she often gets ultra-competitive and usually puts her play above any social excursions.  This love of the game could cost her the tiara.  That and the grunting.  God, the grunting.

3.  Danica Patrick- She’s a little rough around the edges but Danica really seems to grab some peoples’ attention.  A regular at the school’s shop room, Danica is the only one of our five candidates whose held a wrench let alone change a tire.  Though some might call her a pioneer in racing, you’re just thinking how great she looks in that checker-flag print dress.  Another perk?  She picks you up...at 220 mph.

4.  Misty May/Kerri Walsh- Yes, we have a tie.  Actually, seeing as they’re partners on the beach volleyball circuit, splitting them up could cause serious rifts in their play.  This delicate compatibility is seen often while their perusing the halls, calling plays to each other using only finger signals behind their backs.  The duo has also spent many Saturday mornings in detention on account of all the dress code violations they receive from their skimpy uniforms.

5.  Sue Bird- Scrappy as could be, Sue is the epitome of a girl who is “one of the guys.”  She hangs out with Stevie Nash and can often be seen playing him for long hours at the local park.  Although there have been rumors the pair have some sort of relationship, the picture becomes fuzzy whenever Sue puts Steve in a headlock and starts giving him noogies.  Given her history of risky bets, like the one she made with a Seattle DJ in 2003 when she promised to be spanked on the air if her assist-to-turnover ratio was below 2 to 1, there are quite a few guys who are willing to take a chance on Suzie Q.

The Winners

At the end of the night, every man’s tuxedo shirt dripping with sweat and every girl’s dress sagging after the “Cha-Cha Slide,” there could be only two lucky teens dancing under the spotlight as king and queen.  This year’s prom king and queen are...Steve Nash and Misti May/Kerri Walsh!  The little guy suddenly has a girl on each arm while the rest of the crowd cheers.  LeBron is eyeing Anna, Roddick is spinning game to Maria, Mamba just looks pissed, Ricky...well Ricky doesn’t really know where he is, and Sue looks as if she might beat them all up.  While the volleyball-playing royals decide how they’re going to split a tiara, Steve just stands with his crown on his head not-knowing exactly how this happened.  After all, he is Canadian.          

Jess Mosser is a columnist for ASM who also writes for The Post at Ohio University.  He apparently still feels as though he deserved to be prom king.  You can reach him at jesse.mosser@atomicsportsmedia.com.