In a time where Terrell Owens wreaks havoc around the NFL and Ron Artest literally beats us over the head, Marcus Vick is way ahead of the curve. His extensive résumé includes distributing alcohol to 15-year-old girls, reckless driving (he also didn’t have a license), possession of marijuana, making obscene gestures to fans, speeding … again, the stomping of a competitor’s leg, and the eventual pulling of a gun on a bunch of teenagers. I know … it’s unbelievable, and he’s only in college. Think of that potential! With a résumé as jam-packed as Marcus’, what field of work could he enter in order to utilize his unique talents.

Marcus feels as though the NFL is the right employer for him; he has proven to be an extremely talented athlete. However, he also is one of the dumbest people to ever walk this earth, probably a result of too many turns on the Michael Vick Experience. I heard the shock of being an actual playmaker can do serious damage to the brain. Due to his incredible lack of brain cells, and an unbelievable amount of crap between his ears, I have taken it upon myself to figure out exactly what profession would be suitable for this jackass.

Below are the top five career choices that Marcus Vick should undoubtedly consider:

1. Personal Masseuse: Many are unaware that Marcus Vick was an avid follower of the old, traditional Japanese healing method of Shiatsu Massage. So when fans across the nation witnessed Marcus jam his cleats into the outstretched leg of sack-master Elvis Dumervil in the Gator Bowl, they saw this as a malicious and hateful act. Fans failed to realize that Dumervil had told Marcus of a very painful hamstring sprain, and lay on the ground awaiting his massage. Marcus, caught up in the stir of the Bowl game, forgot that he was wearing cleats, and proceeded to perform one of his superb therapy sessions. While this event was made to seem appalling to the untrained eye, it is undeniable that Marcus Vick has talents in the art of Shiatsu, and it is only right for him to explore them in the future.

2. McDonald’s Employee: One day after he declared his intention to enter the NFL draft, Marcus Vick was arrested for carrying a firearm and waving it at three teenagers during an altercation in the parking lot of a restaurant. Actually, it wasn’t just any high-end restaurant; it was McDonald’s. Many feel as though the kids were screaming profanities and insults to Vick such as “rapist” or “child molester” to set him off, but I don’t think that’s the case. Marcus has a strong fondness for this particular McDonald’s after he met his high-school sweetheart there, as a college sophomore. I, as many others, am beginning to receive word that the teenagers were insulting the quality and integrity of the food, not Marcus Vick. Marcus, whose allegiance to this McDonald’s is everlasting, would not stand for it. Instead of roundhouse kicking them to the face, Marcus decided to be more humane and just shoot them. However, the chamber was empty, and the presence of a gun alone was enough to scare the teenagers. Due to his great loyalty to the franchise and extensive criminal record, I see McDonald’s as a viable employer for Marcus Vick in the future.

3. Cab Driver: Just the other day my friend Dan and I had jumped into a cab late at night and were headed home. As the ride progressed, my friend and I became more and more agitated with the slow pace that the driver was traveling. Then it hit me. Who better to get me home as fast as possible than Marcus Vick? He has the experience of driving at fast speeds and seemingly won’t take no for an answer (arrested for speeding twice). Both are essential characteristics for a cab driver. I also love the fact that pronouncing his name will not be as much of a problem as some of the other drivers. Granted, having Marcus Vick driving me around wouldn’t be the safest and most assuring ride, but I’ve seen him weave in and out of defenders…cars couldn’t be that much different.

4. Sweet Sixteen Party Planner: While Tom Brady is phenomenal under pressure and Peyton Manning can dissect a defense like a surgeon, Marcus Vick has the uncanny ability to relate with and have control over the teenage girl population. Whichever one of his key pick-up lines he opts to use, either “Hey, you ever see Mike Vick” or “Hey, you ever hear of Mike Vick”, Marcus always seems to get his way with the young ladies. He did have a past experience involving a 15-year-old, and I’m quite positive that the transition to 16-year-olds won’t be that difficult, at least not as difficult as the jump to the NFL. In addition to this great talent of youth relations, Marcus obviously knows how to party…and party hard. In fact, word is being spread around the circuits that Marcus Vick will end up being the P. Diddy of sweet sixteens, bringing life and illegal actions to all of his parties. Supposedly, Ron Mexico always makes a guest appearance.

5. Sign Language Interpreter: One of the most important and valuable aspects of a quarterback is their ability to communicate. Not only was Marcus able to navigate and instruct his teammates this season, he also showed another form of communication skills. During a win over West Virginia, Marcus made an obscene gesture to fans who had been calling him names the entire game. Instead of lowering himself to their level by retaliating verbally, he decided to show his versatility and respond with a silent showing of “hand-knowledge”. With middle fingers and groin grabs, Marcus was able to explain his side of the argument in just a few seconds. Due to this display, I’m sure Marcus would be able to grasp the rest of the sign language and fully utilize it in other positive manners. Plus, we wouldn’t have to listen to him talk anymore, that’s a reward in itself.

No matter what choice Marcus makes in the future, I am 100% positive that it will be the wrong one. Guaranteeing one thing…we’ll be able to enjoy his stupidity for years to come.