Anything Miller Lite and Milwaukee’s Best Light can do, I can do better -- maybe.

I was watching the World Series of Poker the other day on ESPN (which isn’t a sport and has no business on ESPN but that’s another editorial entirely) last week, and I saw Miller Lite’s “Man Laws” commercial, and Milwaukee’s Best Light’s commercial where the huge can falls from the sky and crushes the dude sportin’ the tiger print undies.

The wheels in my head began to turn. Those beer commercials were half of the inspiration I needed for this column. (See, even beer commercials can influence.) The other 50 percent of inspiration came from an unexpected place.

I was on a vacation to Houston. My brother, his girlfriend, my sister, my mom and I were all crammed into a minivan for the 24-hour trek. It was rough. It was one of those trips that make you think “family vacation” is actually an oxymoron or some kind of cruel and unusual punishment. It’s usually on trips like these that I try to brainstorm column ideas because it relieves the pressure of the almost constant nagging. Apparently I’m an “unsafe driver.”

This trip was no different. The beer commercials had opened a door but my uncle busted it down one afternoon as we watched the Houston Astros in high def on my cousin’s six-foot TV.

“You know, Roger Clemens is an attractive man.”

HUH? My uncle broke the monotony of the game with a typical quote geared specifically toward making everyone laugh. His planned worked.

After we tossed around a few worn-out jokes, we continued the game. A day or two later, he walked into the room and said with a chuckle, “Ten words guys should never use.”

And so the rules and list were born. Now I shouldn’t take credit for these, but I think they’re funny, and my uncle lives in Texas so what do I care? This list has little to do with sports directly, but sports are for tough guys and tough guys avoid using these words, therefore sports and these words are indirectly linked. Right? That’s like math or something.

Rule No. 1

This one is like Fight Club. Don’t talk about this stuff. I’m simply doing a public service.

Rule No. 2

Avoid replacing prefixes of words with the word “man.” For example don’t check out the man-scape and don’t refer to anything as man-tastic. You may have a man-crush on Lebron James because he’s the greatest basketball player since Michael Jordan, but do not man-gush.

Rule No. 3

There are some words that you just should never use. Fabulous, Scrumptious, Vexed, Adorable, Precious, Diva, etc…  Actually it seems that a lot of these words end in -ous, so use that as a guide.

Rule No. 4

Words are not the only things guys should be careful of. Never engage in any discussion or conversations that seem fishy. For example, never discuss window treatments and if at all possible, don’t know what they are. Men should also never have “heart-healthy” conversations. Your heart is fine, your too tough for the doctor anyway.

Rule No. 5

Avoid combing words. Don’t say stuff like fantabulous.

Rule No. 6

Couches, especially college couches, are usually designed to fit three people. There should never be three guys sitting in said couch unless of course you’re watching a sporting event on the tube and are drunk, or in the process of getting drunk. You must allow a one cushion buffer between you and your buddy. Girls can substitute as buffers if seating is limited.

Rule No. 7

Never substitute wimpy words for cuss words. This year, when the Bucks are playing Michigan, and Brent Musberger is so blatantly pulling for that team up north, calling him a son-of-a-biscuit just doesn’t cut it.

Rule No. 8

When playing a pick up game of basketball, or any sport really, don’t call fouls or penalties. Don’t call a charge in basketball, just get even next time you’ve got the rock. And no do-overs either.

This is the list in its infancy. If you would like to defend the right to use one of these words or can think of any that should be added, feel free to drop me a line. I may have to update the list of rules at the end of the summer.

If a situation calls or the need to break any of these rules, a well-placed F-bomb can counteract any damage that may have been done.

Let me know what you think, until then, watch for falling beer cans.

Jim Field is a regular contributor to Atomic Sports Media. He can be reached at james.field@atomicsportsmedia.com.