With one pitch in the top of the third inning yesterday, the Minnesota Twins season came crashing down. That’s right, you heard me…IT’S OVER. Francisco Liriano, finally back in the majors after being out for a month because of a strained elbow ligament, threw a slider down-and-in to Bobby Kielty, and immediately walked off the mound, visibly in pain. He was immediately removed from the game and a few hours later Twins manager Ron Gardenhire announced that Liriano would be shut down for the year.


It’s funny. As the Twins game started I was just sitting down to begin this article, an article that was going to outline the best-case and worst-case scenarios for all of the teams still in contention for a postseason spot. The worst-case entry for the Twins would have gone something like this:

“After returning from injury, stud rookie Francisco Liriano does further damage to his arm, knocking out for the remainder of the regular season and playoffs, and potentially jeopardizing his career.”

Yes, I feel like a psychic.

I would have felt a lot better though if Liriano had been OK and led the Twins to a World Series title (which was going to be my prediction and best-case scenario for the Twins). But there’s no sense crying over spilt milk, and it would be foolish to let one hiccup derail an entire column. So, here are the best-case and worst-case scenarios for the teams still playing for something this season.

By my estimation, there are 16 teams left that have a chance at the postseason. In the AL the Yanks have all but sewn up the East, three teams in the Central are competing for two spots and the Angels still have an outside shot to take down the A’s in the West. The NL is more of a mess, with 7 teams still within 5 ½ games of a playoff spot, plus the 3 division winners. With about 17 games left in the season, there’s still plenty to be decided, but lucky for you, I already know how it’s going to go down. Here’s how they’ll finish, in descending order of their chances at a World Series title.


SNOWBALL’S CHANCE IN HELL

16. ATLANTA BRAVES (69-75, 5.5 out of Wild Card)
    Oh, woe is Atlanta. They of the 14-year streak of division titles are going to miss the playoffs for the first time this century.

Best-case: The Braves young players learn what it’s like to play in a hard-fought divisional race…as the spoiler. Andruw Jones doesn’t get traded and the Braves get back on top next season.

Worst-case: John Smoltz walks out to the mound to start Game 1 of the NL Division Series in St. Louis. The only problem is that the rest of Smoltz’s Braves teammates are at home because the Cardinals are playing the Padres. Like Derek Zoolander accepting the Male Model of the Year Award he didn’t actually win, Smoltz suffers an embarrassment he may never overcome. Unlike Zoolander, he never overcomes it and spends the rest of his days doing commercials for weed killers and hitting on the girl who plays the gardening housewife.

15. HOUSTON ASTROS (71-74, 4 out of Wild Card 6 back in Central)
    This was going to be the year in Houston. With Clemens only pitching half the season, he would be hitting his stride for the stretch run. Pettitte was due for a big comeback, and Oswalt gave them a third big-game starter. Only one problem: nobody told the offense to show up.

Best-case: St. Louis and Cincinnati (or the 5 teams ahead of Houston in the Wild Card) collapse over the last two and a half weeks, Morgan Ensberg remembers how to hit, Wily Taveras morphs into Juan Pierre circa 2003, Craig Biggio turns back the clock and Nolan Ryan signs with the team to pitch in the playoffs.

Worst-case: In Roger Clemens’ final regular season start the Astros fail to score a single run in one of his starts for the 1,000th time. Owner Drayton McClane, having promoted the event by giving away donuts to the first 1,000 fans, pats himself on the back for doing everything he could to win a World Series by spending $12 million on Clemens, and getting most of his offense from the $4.99 bin at Wal-Mart. McClane is so busy patting himself on the back that he never even sees the 98-MPH fastball Clemens hurls at him on his way out of Minute Maid Park. Needless to say, Houston will be looking for new ownership this offseason.

A SNOWBALL’S CHANCE IN HELL (IF THE SNOWBALL WAS MADE OUT OF FLAME-RESISTANT SNOW)

14. CINCINNATI REDS (72-72, 2.5 out of Wild Card, 4.5 back in Central)
    The Reds have actually gained some ground in the past week, but they have to leapfrog 4 teams in the Wild Card. Unless they can catch the Cardinals, it’s going to be another joyless October in Cincy.

Best-case: Although the Reds fade over the last two weeks, Carson Palmer and the Bengals start the season 4-0 so no one really notices that Bronson Arroyo’s arm has fallen off and the Reds have started signing local high school kids to fill out their bullpen.

Worst-case: Coupled with the Reds fade over the final two weeks of the season, the Bengals take a nosedive culminating with Chad Johnson refusing to wear a helmet on the field (to better show off his blonde mohawk) and being decapitated by a free safety in Week 4.

13. LOS ANGELES ANGELS (78-68, 5.5 back in AL West)