But all of that; the swearing, the non-sports, the minors being showcased; none of it compares to the hot dog eating competition. How sad is it that I know who Kobayashi is, yet couldn’t name you the top prospect in my favorite baseball team’s farm system? And honestly, competitive eating? Are you serious? How about competitive smoking? Or competitive lap dances? Would you really want your kid to watch in awe as some elephant-looking guy wolfs down 25 pounds of processed meat and say, “Now that’s who I want to be!” It’s not a sport; it’s a circus sideshow. Competitive beer drinkers make similar role models… think about that.

Of course, let’s also not forget the reality show where Dick Butkis ruins a high school football team’s season, the reality show where Stu Scott ruins a half-hour of my life helping to select a no-talent hack to host the 2 a.m.-to-6 a.m. time slot on ESPN News, or the utter trainwreck that is “Stump the Schwab.” At least MTV has the decency to at least fill the screen with attractive women when they show crap like that during prime viewing hours.

Were I in charge, everything I mentioned previously would be banned from ESPN. What would I show in its place? More sports. Crazy idea, huh?

For starters, I’d show the English Premiere League. Simply, the MLS is to the EPL as the German basketball leagues are to the NBA. And if you’re a young basketball fan in Düsseldorf, would you rather watch Berlin take on Frankfurt, or the Dallas Mavs take on the Houston Rockets? If people are really willing to watch minor league soccer, they might as well see the best of the best.

I’d also show minor league baseball. Something like once a week, profile a top minor leaguer. This season you could have seen guys like Howie Kendrick and Jered Weaver before they came up. Each week show one of those types of player’s games, as well as a profile on them. Get a little human-interest story going on. This way the casual fan won’t be so surprised when some kid named Francisco leads the AL in ERA.

And there is nothing wrong with analysis shows. Sports Center, NFL Live, Baseball Tonight and NBA Fastbreak, it all works. Ten years ago it felt like half of ESPN’s scheduling was Sports Center, and you know what? I had no problems with that. I mean, that is WHY we turn to ESPN in the first place, right?

So don’t be surprised if in five years someone comes up to you and says, “did you hear? ESPN is starting an all sports channel for a mere 20 bucks a month.”

Man, I sure miss those music videos.