Confessions of a Sports Dork
http://www.atomicsportsmedia.com/articles/598/1/Confessions-of-a-Sports-Dork/Confessions-of-a-Sports-Dork.html
Josh Binstock
A sports junkie since birth, Josh Binstock takes pleasure in contributing to Atomic Sports Media. His favorite pastimes, other than his beloved Giants, Yanks, Knicks and Rangers, include Family Guy, 24, NFL Films, and Rutgers Football. If Josh was a food, he'd be delicious.
By Josh Binstock
Published on 10/2/2006
Does your closet contain more jerseys than dress shirts? Can you remember who played second for Cleveland in 1987, but not your girlfriend's birthday? Can you explain the infield fly rule, but have trouble changing the oil in your car? Atomic Sports columnist Josh Binstock feels your pain.
I think it all started in the fourth grade. We were learning about the U.S. colonies, and we had a homework assignment. Our task was to create a colony of our own. We had to come up with a name, landmarks, religious ideals, currency, etc.
My nine-year-old mind created “Sportstralia,” a sort of sports utopia. The landmarks were Mantle Mountain and Willis Reed River (Can you tell I’m from New York?). People, who were shaped like tennis rackets and baseball bats, naturally, worshipped at the altar of Babe Ruth, Overlord of Sportstralia. Baseball cards served as currency and children learned how to multiply by seven while watching football, which sadly enough, is how I learned to do the same.
Why am I telling you this? Because this was the first symptom I showed being a Sports Dork, an affliction that still haunts me to this day.
For the first, say, 20 years of my life, I thought I had an edge over those who didn’t like sports, or who liked sports but couldn’t talk about them ad nauseum like I can. Being a jock made you cool in the ’90s. Then I found myself watching Game 7 of the Yanks-Sox Series (The Grady Little one) by myself in my apartment at Rutgers. This was the biggest game in our lifetime, and nobody wanted to watch it. That’s the moment when I began rehashing my life, and came to the conclusion that sports has a stranglehold on me. I am a Sports Dork.
Here is a compilation of why I classify myself as such. If you have some similar experiences, consult your doctor, for you too may be infected.
1) For my writing placement exam at Rutgers, I wrote a three-page essay on Michael Jordan overcoming the Pistons to analyze a quote along the lines of overcoming challenges.
2) My friend Josh and I have gone on for hours naming numbers of players from any era. And that doesn’t just mean professional and college players. We could remember the numbers of our entire high school basketball and softball teams. By the way, he was 41, I was 23.
Does your closet contain more jerseys than dress shirts? Can you remember who played second for Cleveland in 1987, but not your girlfriend's birthday? Can you explain the infield fly rule, but have trouble changing the oil in your car? Atomic Sports columnist Josh Binstock feels your pain.
Confessions of a Sports Dork
I think it all started in the fourth grade. We were learning about the U.S. colonies, and we had a homework assignment. Our task was to create a colony of our own. We had to come up with a name, landmarks, religious ideals, currency, etc.
My nine-year-old mind created “Sportstralia,” a sort of sports utopia. The landmarks were Mantle Mountain and Willis Reed River (Can you tell I’m from New York?). People, who were shaped like tennis rackets and baseball bats, naturally, worshipped at the altar of Babe Ruth, Overlord of Sportstralia. Baseball cards served as currency and children learned how to multiply by seven while watching football, which sadly enough, is how I learned to do the same.
Why am I telling you this? Because this was the first symptom I showed being a Sports Dork, an affliction that still haunts me to this day.
For the first, say, 20 years of my life, I thought I had an edge over those who didn’t like sports, or who liked sports but couldn’t talk about them ad nauseum like I can. Being a jock made you cool in the ’90s. Then I found myself watching Game 7 of the Yanks-Sox Series (The Grady Little one) by myself in my apartment at Rutgers. This was the biggest game in our lifetime, and nobody wanted to watch it. That’s the moment when I began rehashing my life, and came to the conclusion that sports has a stranglehold on me. I am a Sports Dork.
Here is a compilation of why I classify myself as such. If you have some similar experiences, consult your doctor, for you too may be infected.
1) For my writing placement exam at Rutgers, I wrote a three-page essay on Michael Jordan overcoming the Pistons to analyze a quote along the lines of overcoming challenges.
2) My friend Josh and I have gone on for hours naming numbers of players from any era. And that doesn’t just mean professional and college players. We could remember the numbers of our entire high school basketball and softball teams. By the way, he was 41, I was 23.
Confessions of a Sports Dork
(Funny related story: Josh told me a story the other week that he was walking down the street in Manhattan and he sees “Number 56 himself,” obviously alluding to Lawrence Taylor. Without hesitation I responded “I can’t believe you saw Darren Bragg!” We both had a good chuckle.)
3) Josh and I would also come up with the most unlikely play-by-play calls you could imagine. A few examples: “What a great defensive effort by Damon Stoudamire.” “Kent Graham has elevated himself to the elite level of quarterbacks.” “David Dejesus makes the catch! And the Royals are World Champs!” “The Red Sox come back from 3-0 down to defeat the Yankees!” Oh wait, scratch that last one.)
4) I remember the most random regular-season games, and I can recount the details. I was having a conversation with a friend who is a huge Patriots fan. He was talking about the first Pats game he attended, which happened to be against the Giants in 1996. To his bewilderment, I told him exactly what happened that game, from the Giants jumping out to a 22-0 first-half lead and then seeing New England come back and eventually take the lead late in the fourth quarter after rookie Troy Brown made a ridiculous fourth-down catch while laying on his back. I also told him it was the last game of the season, and it took place on a Saturday. He was impressed, I was ashamed.
5) I actually considered writing an entire article arguing that “Eddie,” starring Whoopi Goldberg, is the worst sports movie of all time. I almost wasted a couple hours of my time trying to explain how a roster comprised of Malik Sealy, Mark Jackson, Rick Fox, Dwayne Schintzius, Greg Ostertag, and Jon Salley would be one of the worst teams in the NBA.
6) I write for a sports Web site voluntarily.
7) My father and I brought one of those headphone/radio combos to my brother’s eighth-grade graduation, which took place on Tuesday, June 14th, 1994, which is better known as the night the Rangers finally won the Stanley Cup. We almost got kicked out of the ceremony when Brian Leetch scored to make it 1-0, and we both let out a very audible “YES!” during a moment of silence.
3) Josh and I would also come up with the most unlikely play-by-play calls you could imagine. A few examples: “What a great defensive effort by Damon Stoudamire.” “Kent Graham has elevated himself to the elite level of quarterbacks.” “David Dejesus makes the catch! And the Royals are World Champs!” “The Red Sox come back from 3-0 down to defeat the Yankees!” Oh wait, scratch that last one.)
4) I remember the most random regular-season games, and I can recount the details. I was having a conversation with a friend who is a huge Patriots fan. He was talking about the first Pats game he attended, which happened to be against the Giants in 1996. To his bewilderment, I told him exactly what happened that game, from the Giants jumping out to a 22-0 first-half lead and then seeing New England come back and eventually take the lead late in the fourth quarter after rookie Troy Brown made a ridiculous fourth-down catch while laying on his back. I also told him it was the last game of the season, and it took place on a Saturday. He was impressed, I was ashamed.
5) I actually considered writing an entire article arguing that “Eddie,” starring Whoopi Goldberg, is the worst sports movie of all time. I almost wasted a couple hours of my time trying to explain how a roster comprised of Malik Sealy, Mark Jackson, Rick Fox, Dwayne Schintzius, Greg Ostertag, and Jon Salley would be one of the worst teams in the NBA.
6) I write for a sports Web site voluntarily.
7) My father and I brought one of those headphone/radio combos to my brother’s eighth-grade graduation, which took place on Tuesday, June 14th, 1994, which is better known as the night the Rangers finally won the Stanley Cup. We almost got kicked out of the ceremony when Brian Leetch scored to make it 1-0, and we both let out a very audible “YES!” during a moment of silence.
Confessions of a Sports Dork
8) My family was having Friday night dinner together a month ago, and the conversation, as usual, veered over to sports. My brother and I started arguing about the economics of baseball. My mother, who has been game for many such discussions, decided to sit this one out and went to read the newspaper. Two hours later she returned to the table to find that we were still having a heated debate. Anytime the word “payroll” has been brought up since, my mother gives us the “don’t you dare!” which ends the conversation before it starts.
9) I recently listed the worst moments of my life. The Giants’ collapse against the 49ers in the ’02 playoffs ranked second. The Yankees’ choke job against the Sox was third. Basically, sports took up moments 2-493.
10) I get angered by local sportscasters who mispronounce the names of players.
11) I check my fantasy team before I check my email.
12) To get out of jury duty, I used Mark McGwire’s appearance before Congress as an excuse. The judge asked me if I would hold it against the defendant if he didn’t testify. I said yes, and told him that McGwire’s failure to discuss steroids under oath made him guilty in the eyes of the public. I was free to go.
13) I was actually excited to go to jury duty because the courtroom window overlooked Yankee Stadium.
14) I get visibly upset when people are watching a game and don’t realize things like where the game is being played. If you confess to being a lifelong sports fan, you have to know that the home team is always listed on the bottom of the scoreboard.
15) I have considered going out with a girl based on the fact that her family has season tickets to the Rangers.
16) I think girls look better wearing a hockey or football jersey than they do in a couture dress.
17) I hate Jimmy Fallon. Not because he laughed during every SNL skit, and not because he made crappy movies like “Taxi” and “Fever Pitch.” I hate him because he once said in an interview that he was a Mets fan in the ’80s, then he became a Yankees fan in the ’90s, and now he’s a Red Sox fan. The fact that he even considers himself a sports fan and could admit to being such a bandwagon jumper makes him less of a sports fan than anyone.
18) ESPN Classic is the only channel programmed into my remote as a “favorite.”
19) My favorite time of year on television is the month leading up to football season. Why? Because that’s when NFL Films debuts the Yearbooks from the previous season. They can make the Jets of the Rich Kotite era look good.
20) A few songs I have downloaded: “The Super Bowl Shuffle,” “The Rangers Goal Song,” “Go NY Go NY GO!” and “Pittsburgh’s Going to the Super Bowl.”
21) When I was a young boy of about three or four, we used to have a weekly Saturday afternoon softball game in the local park. A couple of dads would pitch, and we would play for about two hours. According to my father, my mood for the rest of the week would revolve around the outcome of the game. If we lost, I would throw a temper tantrum. Also, when I would get home I would recount the entire game to my mother, including all pertinent stats and highlights. I was three years old and I was calculating batting averages! Why do I suck at math now?
There you have it, the telltale signs that I am a Sports Dork. If you nodded your head in agreement or had a few chuckles recounting your own memories, stop kidding yourself, you too share this disease.
My life is beyond repair. Do yourself a favor, go see a Broadway show, go to a concert, watch the news. You don’t want to end up like me. I am a dork. You can avoid this fate.
Wow, this self-revelation was depressing. I gotta do something about this. Eh, I’ll do it after the game.
9) I recently listed the worst moments of my life. The Giants’ collapse against the 49ers in the ’02 playoffs ranked second. The Yankees’ choke job against the Sox was third. Basically, sports took up moments 2-493.
10) I get angered by local sportscasters who mispronounce the names of players.
11) I check my fantasy team before I check my email.
12) To get out of jury duty, I used Mark McGwire’s appearance before Congress as an excuse. The judge asked me if I would hold it against the defendant if he didn’t testify. I said yes, and told him that McGwire’s failure to discuss steroids under oath made him guilty in the eyes of the public. I was free to go.
13) I was actually excited to go to jury duty because the courtroom window overlooked Yankee Stadium.
14) I get visibly upset when people are watching a game and don’t realize things like where the game is being played. If you confess to being a lifelong sports fan, you have to know that the home team is always listed on the bottom of the scoreboard.
15) I have considered going out with a girl based on the fact that her family has season tickets to the Rangers.
16) I think girls look better wearing a hockey or football jersey than they do in a couture dress.
17) I hate Jimmy Fallon. Not because he laughed during every SNL skit, and not because he made crappy movies like “Taxi” and “Fever Pitch.” I hate him because he once said in an interview that he was a Mets fan in the ’80s, then he became a Yankees fan in the ’90s, and now he’s a Red Sox fan. The fact that he even considers himself a sports fan and could admit to being such a bandwagon jumper makes him less of a sports fan than anyone.
18) ESPN Classic is the only channel programmed into my remote as a “favorite.”
19) My favorite time of year on television is the month leading up to football season. Why? Because that’s when NFL Films debuts the Yearbooks from the previous season. They can make the Jets of the Rich Kotite era look good.
20) A few songs I have downloaded: “The Super Bowl Shuffle,” “The Rangers Goal Song,” “Go NY Go NY GO!” and “Pittsburgh’s Going to the Super Bowl.”
21) When I was a young boy of about three or four, we used to have a weekly Saturday afternoon softball game in the local park. A couple of dads would pitch, and we would play for about two hours. According to my father, my mood for the rest of the week would revolve around the outcome of the game. If we lost, I would throw a temper tantrum. Also, when I would get home I would recount the entire game to my mother, including all pertinent stats and highlights. I was three years old and I was calculating batting averages! Why do I suck at math now?
There you have it, the telltale signs that I am a Sports Dork. If you nodded your head in agreement or had a few chuckles recounting your own memories, stop kidding yourself, you too share this disease.
My life is beyond repair. Do yourself a favor, go see a Broadway show, go to a concert, watch the news. You don’t want to end up like me. I am a dork. You can avoid this fate.
Wow, this self-revelation was depressing. I gotta do something about this. Eh, I’ll do it after the game.