On Wednesday, February 20, 2007, an 81-year old tradition of the University of Illinois came to a close.  Chief Illiniwek, the recently controversial symbol of the University, performed for the final time at halftime of the Illinois-Michigan basketball game.  The Chief has been the center of controversy since the NCAA included the symbol on its list of offensive and hostile symbols and mascots.

But this isn’t about whether the Chief should have been retired.  You can find plenty of viewpoints on that subject with a quick Google search.

During the entire Chief debate, the one issue I always felt that was never discussed was a replacement team name.  Now that the time is here, and since I enjoy the pursuit of useless knowledge, I offer five possibilities to help the transitions (or at least provide a few laughs).  The goal was to come up with names that were somehow tied to the area, the school, or both.

Disclaimer: This article was written for entertainment purposes and may contain sarcasm.  In the event someone takes this too seriously, please reflect on the immortal words of Sgt. ‘Big Toe’ Hulka and “Lighten up Francis.”

Number 5 – The Bunnies – The name would not exactly strike fear into the opponent, but it has the greatest alumni donation potential and the basketball team needs a new venue.  Illinois has one of the most successful college basketball programs over the last several years but the team plays in an out-of-date ‘wonder,’ an ‘engineering marvel’ – well let’s all marvel at its demolition, or at least its relegation to hosting concerts for washed-up 80’s hair metal bands, wrestling, and monster truck rallies. 

The team needs a field house and Hugh Hefner is a successful alumnus and businessman - it’s a match made in heaven.  Embrace Hef, offer to name the building after him, build a grotto, whatever.  We can keep the school colors and have a bunny as the logo.  The town of Fisher, IL (the Fisher Bunnies) would be so proud.

Besides, the rabbit in Monty Pythons “Search For the Holy Grail” kicked some serious a$$.

Number 4 – The Data Crunchers – U of I has highly rated engineering, computer science, and business schools, and professors are always complaining that it’s a learning institution first and foremost.  This option would throw them a bone and help the academics feel like part of the program (well not really, but it was worth a shot).  I’m not sure what the heck the logo would be, but for every great play the football players would get a 1 or a 0 added to their helmet (Yeah, that’s right – its a geeky joke – but you got it and it probably got at least got a groan out or you – yeah that’s what I thought).

Number 3 – The Winged Cobs – Corn is everywhere in central Illinois – the University even built their library underground to save the oldest experimental corn field (apparently I just recalled something from that orientation tour 18 years ago).  A licensing agreement with Dekalb Seed Corn Company would allow for the best logo in the Big Ten - especially on the side of a helmet where it would resemble the logo of the Philadelphia Eagles.  Nothing says ‘speed’ like a pair of wings.

Number 2 – and this was a close second - The Ragin’ Soybeans – Soybeans are another common sight in the area.  However, the soybean doesn’t exactly brim with excitement (sort of like the cob without the wings).  But, borrow the “Ragin’” from Ragin’ Cajuns, streamline the profile a bit, add some flames and a mean-looking face, and you’ve got something.  Anything sounds menacing if you add the “Ragin.’”  Besides, this allows for the giant ball-type mascot suit – which is classic, entertaining, and fun to use when playing NCAA Football on Playstation.  I see an ESPN commercial star already (Mr. Met has had some issues).

Number 1 – The Fighting Sheepherders – U of I is the home of one of the oldest agricultural programs.  One of my first memories of arriving in Champaign as a freshman from the city, and likely the first memory of many other students over the years, was the introduction to the stench or “aroma” of the South Farms.  Although the South Farms house many types of livestock, the sheep provide the best option for a potential mascot (my apologies to the swine and bovine). 

Imagine, if you will, an old school shepherd (the beard, the flowing robes, the grace – ‘breathtaking’ as Carl Spackler would say), maybe something similar to the oversized guy like the Michigan State Spartan or Nebraska Cornhusker.  With an upcoming football program, continued basketball success, and assuming Nike’s blessing, “Just Ewe It” t-shirts could become all the rage.  One day the Sheepherder could be holding his staff in one arm, a sheep in the other like a football, and emulating the Heisman pose as the Illini secure a BCS bowl bid.

 
Illustrations by Dan Coats.