I have logged many research hours recently watching SportsCenter, preparing for an in-depth analysis of why the Worldwide Leader sucks. I had it broken down in sections, with statistics, charts, and video proof. Okay, that last part may not be true. But you get the gist.

Then came the verbal and visual diarrhea that is “Who’s Now?”

There is no better example of what is wrong with ESPN than this feature that has been running for the past few weeks. In case you haven’t had the pleasure, “Who’s Now?” is a NCAA Tournament-style competition pitting 32 current athletes against each other, by bracket, to decide who has the most buzz about them, on and off the field of play.

I have one question: Who gives a crap?

I mean, honestly. Does it make a difference whether T.O. can “upset” A-Rod by being more “now,” whatever that means? Will Dwyane Wade hold a grudge against Tom Brady when he loses to the QB in the final four? I’m sure Muhammad Ali takes a lot of pride in having his name attached to one of these prestigious brackets.

It just amazes me that everything I hate about ESPN can be boiled down to a stupid thing like this. Here is a list of reasons why “Who’s Now?” is a microcosm of everything wrong with the No. 1 “sports” network:

Over-analysis

In sports nowadays, there is no stone left unturned. Just watch ESPN from 3 p.m. to 7 p.m. You’ve got “1st and 10,” followed by “NFL Live” (on everyday of the year for some reason), then comes “Rome is Burning,” after that comes “Around the Horn,” then “Pardon the Interruption,” and finally the 6 p.m. SportsCenter. That’s four straight hours rehashing the same exact point over and over, and sometimes carrying those topics for weeks at a time (see: Terrell Owens). There is no way Michael Wilbon and Kirk Herbstreit are enjoying being on the panel for “Who’s Now?” Wilbon spends every day discussing these athletes on TV, writes about them, and watches them. There’s a reason why sportswriters end up hating sports. By the way, there is no reason that the panelists should have to waste their breath debating whether Peyton Manning or Amanda Beard has on- and off-the-field appeal.

“E” Before “S”

It started with things like Freddie Prinze Jr doing the Plays of the Week and Ricky Bobb being the “Sunday Conversation.” Gradually the E in Entertainment and Sports Network became the priority, overtaking “S.” “Who’s Now?” tries to merge the sports world with the entertainment world by focusing on the “buzz factor.” I don’t know about you, but most people I know don’t tune in to ESPN to find out which athlete went to which nightclub. That’s why the E! Channel was created.

Constant Debates

In all those shows I mentioned before, there is an overabundance of talking heads trying to prove their points in the loudest voice possible. Here’s the thing: there’s not always a right answer. Phil Simms once said that sports talk radio focuses so much on right & wrong, black & white, instead of realizing that there is so much grey area in sports. This can be applied to TV sports talk shows as well. “Around the Horn” keeps scores on opinions! How is that even possible?!? That’s the beauty of debating sports. You don’t always have to come to one conclusion.

Brashness

For some reason, the big-wigs at ESPN feel the need to inject “attitude” into every inch of programming, mostly in the form of a former athlete. Case in point, Keyshawn Johnson on “Who’s Now?” What does Keyshawn know about Amanda Beard or Dale Earnhardt Jr.? I was absolutely shocked when they got rid of Michael Irvin from NFL coverage. I find the most enjoyable show on the network to be Baseball Tonight when it’s just Karl Ravech, Tim Kurkjian, and Peter Gammons in the studio.

Shameless Self-Promotion

This is the worst trait of ESPN. Almost nothing shown on the network is genuine sports journalism. There must be a tie-in with ESPN/ABC programming with almost every feature shown. Take a look at who has advanced so far in the “Who’s Now?” brackets. Every one of them plays a sport televised by the Worldwide Leader. The only thing I can think of that doesn’t have an agenda attached to it is the wonderful “My Wish” features, which are just genuinely good people doing good things, without much of a hint of selfishness. The low point came about a week ago when analysts from every sport broke down the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest, which of course was televised on…..ESPN!

Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I want my sports coverage to focus on sports, and my entertainment news to come from magazines and Access Hollywood. I want to debate football with my friends for hours without coming to one conclusion. And I really couldn’t care less who is “now.”

Whoops, gotta go. Frankie Muniz is on the Budweiser Hot Seat.