Because I deserve a one throw-away column a year…

1. Paris Hilton -- Okay, so I’ve officially hit a new low. Sue me.

The difference between Ms. Hilton, whom I like and Lindsay Lohan whom I no longer like, is simple. Hilton used her parents massive wealth and socialite status to launch her dream career in television and music, not to mention she used her sexual exploits to gain fame and cult-notoriety. Lohan is wasting her tremendous talent getting drunk and high, just about every night, leaving America to question when, not if, she’ll be found dead in some nightclub’s dumpster.

If I’m Dina and Michael Lohan, I’d be on my hands and knees begging the court to place my daughter in some type of chastity device for… let’s say… two years. Since this would be a court proceeding, it would all be public record and Ms. Lohan would need to obtain permission for any release. During this time, the young starlet would remain both clean and sober.

Should LiLo play by the rules, she’d get off for good behavior after 18 months. If she doesn’t, the sentence would be extended. Point is, there would be nothing more humiliating for a 21-year-old tabloid superstar than all of Hollywood knowing that you’re locked in a chastity device and being the butt of every Perez Hilton, Jay Leno and Jon Stewart joke… for the rest of your life. I’d be willing to bet she’d take few months of solitary confinement (or Chinese Water Torture) before that any day.

As you can see, I am going to be a five-time Father of the Year award winner.

2. NHL 2007 - It took some time but EA Sports finally delivered a sports game worthy of a next-generation console. It’s just too bad that game wasn’t Madden or NCAA Football. We’re still waiting for those two to make the leap. I’m also excited to see what 2K Sports does with All Pro Football, which should contend with Madden on the next-gen systems without an NFL license.

3. Looking Back - USA Today ran a list of the biggest sports stories in the paper’s 25 year-history a few weeks back. The top choice - The Red Sox 2004 World Series victory, followed by Cal Ripken’s record, Tiger Woods’ 1997 Masters victory, Villanova’s upset of Georgetown in the 1985 Final Four and the BALCO scandal.

As great as the Red Sox victory was (overcoming 86 years of heartache and a three games-to-none deficit in the 2004 ALCS), it bears some serious criticism. Boston swept St. Louis in a poorly played, lackluster World Series. The Red Sox had the second highest payroll in Major League Baseball. And, throwing eight decades of history aside, they were considered heavy co-favorites after Theo Epstein plucked Curt Schilling away from Arizona over Thanksgiving Dinner.

That being said, if we’re talking about the greatest sports stories of the last quarter-century and want to talk Major League Baseball, I’d place the game’s presence following September 11th 2001 at the top.

Our ballparks were home to some of the first mass public gatherings in the wake of that horrific September morning. We stood together, united by the tens of thousands, strong, under one flag, one nation, determined not to let a reign of terror disrupt our day-to-day lives.

And it was under that pretense, that we as fans were treated to one of the greatest World Series of all-time. Where a Yankees team once universally despised, carried a crippled yet resilient city on its back, miraculously coming back time and again to reach the seventh game.

The baseball purists received a most poetic ending to the Yankees reign when the unthinkable happened; the invincible Mariano Rivera couldn’t protect a one-run lead in the bottom of the ninth. It’s happened since, but David Ortiz was stuck somewhere in the Twin Cities six years ago.

4. David Chase - Your artistic freak-show ending to a finely crafted show was pathetic. Hiding in France as America wanted an explanation? Absolutely putrid and cowardly.

The DVD boxed set should include an alternate ending and an apology for being an art-school (NYU) cop out. Chase, according to his biography, was screwed up as a youngster (depression) something that obviously gave the Sopranos some of its human element. Unfortunately, he overdosed on Prozac or alcohol or drugs or Jolt Cola, or something and left us in the dark, refusing to kill the family or tying up the episode and the series on a positive note.

Seriously, I don’t mean to be harsh, but if you wanted America to collectively shout “What the hell?” at the television, just admit it. We would have looked bad instead of you.

5. Hockey - The NHL’s salary cap has allowed me to appreciate the genius of Major League Baseball’s luxury tax structure. Those same people who whine about the Yankees spending a quarter-billion dollars are the exact same people who would bitch and moan if Tampa Bay and Pittsburgh met in a World Series. Successful large market teams are critical for marketing, television ratings and the long-term future of both sports.

Since 2002, Stanley Cup Final markets: Anaheim and Raleigh (twice), Ottawa, Edmonton, Tampa Bay, Calgary, East Rutherford and Detroit.

World Series markets: St. Louis (twice), Detroit, Chicago, Houston, Boston, Miami, New York, Anaheim and San Francisco.

Throw in the lockout and my point is clear: The salary cap gives the little guy (Ottawa) the same chance as the big guy (Philadelphia) to acquire talent via free agency and the trade market. But it also prevents teams from stockpiling superstars and promotes a watered-down product that produces small-market title match-ups, which don’t bode well for a sport struggling for exposure.