Because I deserve a one throw-away column a year…

1. Paris Hilton -- Okay, so I’ve officially hit a new low. Sue me.

The difference between Ms. Hilton, whom I like and Lindsay Lohan whom I no longer like, is simple. Hilton used her parents massive wealth and socialite status to launch her dream career in television and music, not to mention she used her sexual exploits to gain fame and cult-notoriety. Lohan is wasting her tremendous talent getting drunk and high, just about every night, leaving America to question when, not if, she’ll be found dead in some nightclub’s dumpster.

If I’m Dina and Michael Lohan, I’d be on my hands and knees begging the court to place my daughter in some type of chastity device for… let’s say… two years. Since this would be a court proceeding, it would all be public record and Ms. Lohan would need to obtain permission for any release. During this time, the young starlet would remain both clean and sober.

Should LiLo play by the rules, she’d get off for good behavior after 18 months. If she doesn’t, the sentence would be extended. Point is, there would be nothing more humiliating for a 21-year-old tabloid superstar than all of Hollywood knowing that you’re locked in a chastity device and being the butt of every Perez Hilton, Jay Leno and Jon Stewart joke… for the rest of your life. I’d be willing to bet she’d take few months of solitary confinement (or Chinese Water Torture) before that any day.

As you can see, I am going to be a five-time Father of the Year award winner.

2. NHL 2007 - It took some time but EA Sports finally delivered a sports game worthy of a next-generation console. It’s just too bad that game wasn’t Madden or NCAA Football. We’re still waiting for those two to make the leap. I’m also excited to see what 2K Sports does with All Pro Football, which should contend with Madden on the next-gen systems without an NFL license.

3. Looking Back - USA Today ran a list of the biggest sports stories in the paper’s 25 year-history a few weeks back. The top choice - The Red Sox 2004 World Series victory, followed by Cal Ripken’s record, Tiger Woods’ 1997 Masters victory, Villanova’s upset of Georgetown in the 1985 Final Four and the BALCO scandal.

As great as the Red Sox victory was (overcoming 86 years of heartache and a three games-to-none deficit in the 2004 ALCS), it bears some serious criticism. Boston swept St. Louis in a poorly played, lackluster World Series. The Red Sox had the second highest payroll in Major League Baseball. And, throwing eight decades of history aside, they were considered heavy co-favorites after Theo Epstein plucked Curt Schilling away from Arizona over Thanksgiving Dinner.

That being said, if we’re talking about the greatest sports stories of the last quarter-century and want to talk Major League Baseball, I’d place the game’s presence following September 11th 2001 at the top.

Our ballparks were home to some of the first mass public gatherings in the wake of that horrific September morning. We stood together, united by the tens of thousands, strong, under one flag, one nation, determined not to let a reign of terror disrupt our day-to-day lives.

And it was under that pretense, that we as fans were treated to one of the greatest World Series of all-time. Where a Yankees team once universally despised, carried a crippled yet resilient city on its back, miraculously coming back time and again to reach the seventh game.

The baseball purists received a most poetic ending to the Yankees reign when the unthinkable happened; the invincible Mariano Rivera couldn’t protect a one-run lead in the bottom of the ninth. It’s happened since, but David Ortiz was stuck somewhere in the Twin Cities six years ago.

4. David Chase - Your artistic freak-show ending to a finely crafted show was pathetic. Hiding in France as America wanted an explanation? Absolutely putrid and cowardly.

The DVD boxed set should include an alternate ending and an apology for being an art-school (NYU) cop out. Chase, according to his biography, was screwed up as a youngster (depression) something that obviously gave the Sopranos some of its human element. Unfortunately, he overdosed on Prozac or alcohol or drugs or Jolt Cola, or something and left us in the dark, refusing to kill the family or tying up the episode and the series on a positive note.

Seriously, I don’t mean to be harsh, but if you wanted America to collectively shout “What the hell?” at the television, just admit it. We would have looked bad instead of you.

5. Hockey - The NHL’s salary cap has allowed me to appreciate the genius of Major League Baseball’s luxury tax structure. Those same people who whine about the Yankees spending a quarter-billion dollars are the exact same people who would bitch and moan if Tampa Bay and Pittsburgh met in a World Series. Successful large market teams are critical for marketing, television ratings and the long-term future of both sports.

Since 2002, Stanley Cup Final markets: Anaheim and Raleigh (twice), Ottawa, Edmonton, Tampa Bay, Calgary, East Rutherford and Detroit.

World Series markets: St. Louis (twice), Detroit, Chicago, Houston, Boston, Miami, New York, Anaheim and San Francisco.

Throw in the lockout and my point is clear: The salary cap gives the little guy (Ottawa) the same chance as the big guy (Philadelphia) to acquire talent via free agency and the trade market. But it also prevents teams from stockpiling superstars and promotes a watered-down product that produces small-market title match-ups, which don’t bode well for a sport struggling for exposure.
 

7. “Playoffs!#$%@ Playoffs!#$@”

I’ve been fortunate enough in my young career not to have asked a question that sends a coach or an athlete on a tirade. But when it finally happens, I would like it to be a Jim Mora/Herm Edwards/Bobby Knight type of rant. I’ll be thoroughly disappointed if Boston Bruins GM Peter Chiarelli snaps at me at a press conference of five reporters after a loss this winter.

8. Barry Bonds - You can have Hank Aaron’s Major League home run record.

Seriously. I’ve come to accept it. Take it. Good for you!

As we all know, Sadaharu Oh still holds the game’s all-time record with 868 home runs. And Barry Bonds, my friends, is no Sadaharu Oh.

Bonds also doesn’t have what he truly covets -- a World Series ring. His career will eventually be defined by two October failures: The lollypop throw that allowed Sid Bream to score the winning run in Game 7 of the 1992 NLCS, and Bonds’ half-hearted glove-flail on Troy Glaus’ game-winning double in Game 6 of the 2002 World Series -- game which his team led 5-0 in the seventh inning.

Before the Giants epic collapse, Bonds was the sure-fire World Series MVP with four homers and a .500 average over the first six games. His towering blast off of Francisco Rodriguez in the sixth inning  was the exclamation point, the icing on the cake. The victory platform and champagne was all but set up in the clubhouse as his World Series dreams sailed right over his head.

Given the scandals and admissions that followed. It wasn’t the Rally Monkey, or the bullpen. It was divine intervention.

9. Story Updates

Defending Don Imus: Let’s see… The coach signs a book deal. Nike prints a full-page ad. And the hot rumor has the I-Man returning in January, with the same people that kicked him to the curb (Rudy, McCain and Kerry), kissing his behind as Election Season comes calling.

It’s hard to pick the biggest hypocrite; We have the Rutgers Athletic Department seeing dollar signs, there’s the Governor of New Jersey who nearly died in a car wreck on his way to a photo-op, and then there’s CBS, who if the rumor is true, thoughtlessly caved into immediate public pressure, satisfying their immediate bottom line without a replacement in sight, before flip-flopping after they saw the Springtime ratings book.

And what did the Rutgers players get? Absolutely nothing. And it would have been an NCAA violation to take Oprah’s gift bag.

Fenway Faux Pas: We can add ‘Sweet Caroline’ to the list of things wrong with nouveau riche Red Sox Nation. This so-called tradition dates back to 2003 (2002 at the earliest) so when people talk romantically about it, especially in the context of the ballpark’s rich history and tradition, it’s simply disgusting. And it’s also not unique to Fenway, I’ve heard it both at Madison Square Garden and Giants Stadium.

“Sweet Caroline” - The 21st century wave. Coming to a ballpark/arena/stadium near you.

10. The WNBA - After watching (sleeping through) San Antonio Cleveland, I’m pretty sure I could market the WNBA based on the fundamentals/passing/flow/attractiveness that the NBA doesn’t have.

For example:

“The Phoenix Mercury - We score more points in 40 minutes than the Suns do in 48!”

“The Seattle Storm - Because Sue Bird is cuter than Nick Collison!”

“Hello, I’m Alana Beard. Do you think Gilbert Arenas knows the difference between a 1-3-1 defense and a match-up zone? No. Me either.”

It’s just too bad the WNBA and the NBA operate under the same roof.

11. The Big Aristotle - I would like to give the my unique stamp of approval Shaquille O’Neal and his new reality show, “Shaq’s Big Challenge.” (ABC, Tuesday’s 9:00/8:00)

Shaq has always had that magical Jordanesque touch, projecting a loveable image that extends well beyond the casual sports fan. It will be tough for the NBA to replace him upon his retirement, which given his body, seems sooner rather than later. It will also be interesting to see if LeBron James can take the torch and become the face of the league’s public image, much like O’Neal did after Jordan retired for the second time in 1998.

12. Rachel Ray - Like Martha Stewart, only younger, with perkier breasts and 5,000 times more annoying. Apparently she’s doing commercials for Dunkin’ Donuts now. Fred the Baker must be spinning in his grave, or trying to grab (cut to black, David Chase style) from his perch high above.

13. David Beckham - All name. Not enough game. (anymore)

For this country to truly embrace soccer, we must have all of the World’s elite players, in their prime, like every other professional sport in this country. If that happened, soccer would automatically to vault to No. 2, right behind the NFL in everything from TV ratings to marketing and fan support. The evidence already exists; it’s called the 1994 World Cup.

Until that happens, I've got to place the U.S. Under-20 World Cup run ahead of Beckham's arrival, as the biggest American soccer story of 2007.
 

14. YouTube finds

You can never start them too young…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1pGusFXhWyY
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XPuGN82fB1M

This is very hard for me to admit - Peyton Manning was better than Tom Brady on Saturday Night Live.


It isn’t YouTube, but just as deserving. Some genius took Gus Johnson’s greatest calls and mixed them with “Remember the Name.”


The funniest spot from one of the greatest ad campaigns of all-time.


Another non-YouTube. Who knew Jenna Elfman could act?


So painful. The commentary is priceless.

I might just watch “The Office” now.


15. The World Series - The Detroit Tigers are my pick to win the Fall Classic if… Joel Zumaya can put down the video games and get back on the field.

Should Jim Leyland add him to a healthy Fernando Rodney, Todd Jones and potentially Andrew Miller in a relief role, much like the Cards did with Adam Wainwright last year, you’ve got the best staff in baseball, 1 through 10.

Detroit, like most teams, will also benefit from a new October schedule with more scheduled off days. Managers will now have the flexibility to use closers and setup men for multiple innings and a top starter three times in a seven game series, only going on short rest for a potential seventh game.

16. Tom Brady - I don’t know what to make of your love-triangle.

I’m a firm believer that Bridget Moynahan, with the relationship on the outs and her biological clock ticking, stopped taking birth control. I also believe that Hollywood’s love of babies, especially the tabloids, took the abortion option off the table.

But to follow it all up by sleeping with Giselle? We’ve got quite the conundrum here, because I don’t think God, Ed Koch or Lance Bass could turn her down. But the whole clean-cut, State of the Union, bowing down and kissing the Pope’s ring, image is totally down the drain.

I’ve got some serious karma concerns… the last thing I want to hear is
Pat Robertson preaching about premarital sex, Satan and children born out of wedlock if a Shawne Merriman hit ends Brady’s season in Week 2. Especially after January’s AFC title game defeat.

17. Kristi Eveland - She’s this year’s hottest athlete you’ve never heard of. (Erica Blasberg was the 2006 winner)

Eveland was one of 10 freshmen on North Carolina’s 2006 National Champion Women’s Soccer Team. The Southland, Texas native was named ACC Player of the Week in September and made the ACC All Academic Team. The defender started 27-of-28 games and logged over 2,400 minutes for a team that allowed just 13 goals.

I’d also like to make Alissa Czisny an honorable mention. The Bowling
Green student and 2005 Skate Canada winner recovered nicely from a shaky 2006 to capture the bronze medal at the U.S. Figure Skating Championships in Spokane. She’s an elite skater artistically, and she’s technically the best spinner the U.S. ladies have had since Michelle Kwan. An International Studies major, Czisny has made the Dean’s List every semester of her college career.

Check out Eveland by clicking here or Czisny by clicking here.

18. Summer Reading

Mark Cuban’s blog is a great read from both a business and sports
perspective.

A great ESPN article on Charlie Villanueva and why he doesn’t have eyebrows.

There really is no debate. Theatre majors are the worst people ever.

An article about Mitt Romney’s role organizing the Salt Lake 2002 Olympic Winter Games.

19. It’s good to be a Florida Gator - You’ve got to wonder about the increase in demand for out-of-state admission to the University of Florida over the last five years. Once upon a time, I used to think that
Gainesville was some drunken hick college town with nothing but dive bars, stripper poles and mechanical bulls. Now, it’s right up there with the UVAs, Cals, Michigans and Carolinas in terms of prestige. That is, after the Ivy’s steal all the Taliban, foreigners and children of multi-million dollar donors.

And drunken hick college down with nothing but dive bars, stripper poles and mechanical bulls is an old Yankee stereotype for nearly every SEC and Big XII school. It’s nothing personal. In fact, I'd like to take all Massachusetts public education officials on a field trip to the University of Georgia, University of North Carolina and the University of Florida, three places where big-time athletics have led to big-time advancements in the classroom, something this state dropped the ball on a decade ago when the UMass Basketball program went to the Final Four under John Calipari.

But I will save my 20,000-word rant on clueless politicians from the
Commonwealth of Massachusetts for another day.

20. What to make of the New York Yankees? - An overrated lineup that is too power-oriented, an aging pitching staff and a putrid middle relief corps. If I were Brian Cashman, I’d sell off everybody not named Jeter, Cano, Wang and Hughes. I don’t care what Posada’s done, nor do I care about A-Rod’s MVP caliber season. If I can get 50 cents on the dollar for those two, I’d be in good shape. Of course, with Mr. Steinbrenner trying to win one last title before swimming with the fishes, an overhaul won’t happen anytime soon.

Ideally, A-Rod would be a perfect fit in San Francisco (with or without
Bonds). If I could get a young arm in return, I’d do a deal straight up and eat some of his gigantic salary at the same time. And I’m well aware Rodriguez has an option to opt out of his deal at the end of the season. I just think there’s too much self pride to leave Gotham on his own, as a ringless October goat.

21. The Draft (All of them) - We’re a society too obsessed with drafts -- The NBA Draft, NHL Draft, NFL Draft, etc. Hell, even the MLB and WNBA Drafts are televised. Draft Lotteries, Draft Beer, Fantasy Drafts, blah, blah, blah.

Quite Frankly, if it wasn’t for the Stephen A. Smith hecklers, I’d want all Draft Nights eliminated from the sports calendar.

22. Baby Names - I recently informed Matt Porter of BostonBruins.com that Kevyn Adams of the Phoenix Coyotes has a daughter named Emerson, which coincidently is the same name of the school Porter currently attends. So, on that theme, let’s talk about baby names.

One person I recently spoke with is going to name her children in alphabetical order, (first child starts with A, next with B, etc.). Another wants to go down the Roger Clemens route (all the kids start with the same letter). And another would like to name the child after the city in which it was conceived (Paris, for example).

What would I do? Let’s go with an Olympic theme…

Sydney - Host of the 2000 Olympic Games
Athena - Host of the 2004 Olympic Games
Turin - Host of the 2006 Olympic Winter Games
London - Host of the 1908, 1948 and 2012 Olympic Games
Paris - Host of the 1900 and 1924 Olympic Games
Cortina - Host of the 1956 Olympic Winter Games

If you drop the “t” from Cortina, you’ve got Corina. If you switch the “u” to an “o” in Turin, you’ve got Torin. And Athena is the Greek translation for Athens.

My guess is that I’ll need to marry an Olympian for this list to be approved.

23.  Finally - Here’s a shout out to my editor David Hale. He does a bang-up job dealing with me and his other jobs at the same time. Ditto for John McCabe and the rest of the ASM Team.

We’ll do 24 next year. Maybe it will have a 24 theme.