I was having my Shawshank moment. I found myself so excited I could barely sit still or hold a thought in my head. Only my destination wasn’t Zihuatanejo, it was Pittsburgh. And I wasn’t going to see Andy Dufresne, I was going to see Steely McBeam. It was hour three of the annual six-hour ride from New York City to the Steel City, we had just past Shartlesville, Penn. (hehehe...Shartlesville), and my brother Mike, Baseball Tonight’s own production assistant Micah, and I were brimming with anticipation for the mid-week celebration of baseball, golf and lame football mascots. Here is an account of the trip.

Tuesday

4:00 pm – About an hour out of Pittsburgh, we turn on ESPN Radio. Mark Madden is your afternoon dive-time host. It came as no surprise that the topic of conversation was the Steelers, even though training camp hadn’t even broken. What was surprising was the actual issue being discussed: the Steelers long snapper. Steelers fans are a completely different animal.

So we turned it to the FM dial hoping to hear some rock. After soaking in some Pearl Jam, the deejay comes on and starts talking about Steelers guard Alan Faneca. What a city.

5:00 pm- We check into the Marriott Spring Suites Hotel, which happens to be directly across the street from PNC Park. This is not an exaggeration. It takes literally 25 steps to get from door to door.

6:00 – If I had a choice of which stadium the new Yankee Stadium should be designed after, it would be PNC Park. This is my third time here, and I am still blown away by how nice it is. The view of the skyline, the efficiency of the design, the ability to see the game from everywhere in the stadium, it just doesn’t get any better. And to top it all off, we have tickets in the front row for all three Mets-Pirates games, which only cost 26 bucks each. Good times.

7:00- Game time. El Duque going up against Ian Snell, the Pirates’ “ace.” We are informed that tonight was Intellectual Disability Night, which made it appropriate that we were in attendance. My 27-year-old brother Mike was as giddy as a 10-year-old, and I think he forgot his Adderall. To top it off, he brought his glove to the game, something that I cannot stress to him enough should be stopped after you reach Bar Mitzvah age, no matter how close you are to the field.

8:15 – Reason No. 467 why PNC Park is awesome: They actually put thought into promotions. For example, every night there is a trivia contest for one lucky fan. Whether they answer the question correctly or not, they get a choice of either prizes like a jacket or hat, or they can choose the mystery box, which could have anything from season tickets to a stick of gum. I have yet to see someone not choose the box. Tonight, the mystery box revealed a Mr. T air freshener. Chuckles were shared by all.

9:10 – You know your baseball team is in trouble when you overhear one of the ushers saying: “This Phelps guy sure can hit a ball. He would be great as a full-time guy.”

10:00 – The Mets win a fairly entertaining game after El Duque throws roughly 521 pitches. Around the ballpark people don’t seem too upset; they hang out at Hi-Tops, the sports bar across the street, and drink to drown the sorrows of Pirates baseball.

Wednesday

8:15 am – If you go to Pittsburgh, and you have a spare artery, head over to Pamela’s and get the hotcakes. As an IHOP fan, I wasn’t impressed when I first got a glimpse of these things, but when I took my first bite, I had one of those Kumar-like fantasy sequences when I imagine the rest of my life with said hotcake. Holy crap. The only downside for you health nuts out there is that each square-inch of hotcake contains roughly an entire stick of butter. In all honesty, when you eat breakfast at Pamela’s, you are set for the rest of the day.

9:15 – After a Pamela’s-induced bathroom stop, it’s time to tee off at Grandview Golf Course, which is situated on the side of a mountain. This is bad news for golfers like me and Micah. Suffice it to say, it was a good thing we picked up some extra sleeves of balls before the round.

10:00 – FORE!!

10:12 – DAMMIT!!

10:29 – FORE!!!

10:41 – I’M SPENDING MORE TIME IN THE SAND THAN DAVID HASSELHOF!!

11:02 – SUCK MY WHITE A**, BALL!!!

1:30 pm – After a nice, calm round, which Mike miraculously finished with an eagle on the par-5 18th hole, I barely missed breaking 100 (101), Micah clocked in with a hard-fought 116, and Mike cheated his way to an 87.

4:30 – There’s nothing quite like getting ready for a baseball game by drinking Patron Tequila while watching the Cosby Show in the hotel room. I am embracing the theme of the game – Ladies’ Night – by mixing in some Malibu rum with my Coke.

7:00 – Round Two, Fight! It’s John Maine vs. the washed up Matt Morris, who for some reason was acquired by the Buccos for promising outfielder Rajai Davis at the trading deadline. General Manager Dave Littlefield, you’re incorrigible!

7:13 – Micah caught a ball! Second-and-third, two out. David Wright hits a fly ball down the right field line. Jose Bautista can’t make the play, it bounces in fair territory, and into the crowd as Bautista breaks his momentum by running into the low wall. The ball is sitting right next to Micah, but before he makes a run for it, the die-hard Mets fan cracks, “Nice Catch, Bautista!” So not only did he get the ball, he also managed to make an enemy for the rest of the series.

7:45 – Because he lived here for a couple years, Mike, a lifelong Mets fan became attached to the Pirates. Now he is a full-fledged sports bigamist, a sin so egregious he should be punished by stoning. He wore his Jason Bay jersey to the proceedings tonight, but I caught him cheering when Beltran rocked one into the right-field seats. He is ripe for some quality insults.

8:25 – Reason No. 798 why PNC Park is awesome: The pierogi races. They have actual, life-size pierogi, with names and flavors that run from the right field corner and down the first base line. For the week, I put my money on Jalapeño Hannah, Micah had Cheese Chester, and Mike took Oliver Onion. Nobody likes Sauerkraut Saul.

9:31 – Adam Laroche is a perfect fit for this city. In a little video clip they showed between innings, they asked the players if they would rather have their elbows stuck together, or their knees. Laroche said he would rather have his knees stuck together, because this way, “I can still go huntin’.” 

9:55 – Mets win again, Pirates fans remain resigned to the fact that they may never come close to .500 any time soon. Another night spent at Hi-Tops, this one cut short by the revenge of Pamela’s. It’s a really good thing the hotel is right across the street.
 

Thursday

8:15 am – Mmmm…rain. No golfy, need sleepy!

Noon – There’s nothing quite like walking into a nice restaurant extremely underdressed. This lunch at a reputable Italian establishment was populated with the business lunch crowd. Mike was wearing his Steelers Kimo Von Oelhoffen jersey.

1:30 – Off to Steelers training camp! Latrobe, Pennsylvania is literally in the middle of nowhere. On the bright side, we did get to see lots of cows and sheepskin retailers.

3:00 – We finally arrive in Latrobe and we park in the middle of a cornfield, and Mike couldn’t resist saying, “Is this heaven? No, it’s Latrobe.” None of us had ever been to an NFL training camp, so we were all pretty pumped.

3:15 – Ben Roethlisberger is tremendous. That’s the first thought that pops into your head when you see him huddled up with his teammates. You expect that kind of size from guys like Faneca and Kendall Simmons, but not the quarterback. I couldn’t resist, I had to make the, “At least he’s wearing a helmet” joke.

3:30 – I think one of the coolest things about the Pittsburgh sports scene is the fact that all the pro sports teams wear black and gold. It makes it easy to accessorize as well. I’m wearing the Roberto Clemente t-shirt I just bought, and I feel completely integrated into Steeler Nation. Mike has his Terrible Towel also, which is the only cool towel to wave at a game.
 
3:50 – After spending some time in the interactive fun zone, where I embarrassingly fit perfectly into a pair of shoulder pads and oversized jersey, came the coup de grace of our trip…

3:51 – It’s Steely McBeam!! To say that Steelers fans are a bit miffed by the idea of a mascot for one of the most storied franchises in football would be a gross understatement. In case you haven’t seen pictures of him, Steely is a steel worker/miner, who wears overalls, a plaid yellow shirt, and has a protruding jaw on his oversized yellow head. He strangely resembles Bill Cowher, which may or may not be a coincidence. His “tool” is a 3-foot metal rod. Insert your own joke here.

5:15 – A bit sun stroked, we return to the hotel lobby and who is there shooting the breeze? None other than Tommy Shaw, James Young and the rest of Styx! It wouldn’t be a stretch to say they’ve all had some work done. Young looks like he’s wearing a mask.

6:45 – After some more Patron and Malibu, we make our way to Game 3, which features Brian Lawrence vs. Tony Armas, Jr. The game is a sellout, and not because of the stellar pitching match-up. Tonight marks the first in a three-day series of concerts and fireworks called “SkyBlast.”

8:15 – During the second time through the order, the Jumbotron has pictures around the player at bat which symbolize his greatest loves. This is stuff we need to know. Nate McLouth had Playstation 2, “24,” and “Family Guy” on his screen. Basically, I am Nate McLouth without the athletic ability. To nobody’s surprise, a dead deer is prominent in Laroche’s picture.

8:30 – Jalapeno Hannah wins her second race in as many nights! I’m rolling in it this week!

9:30 – The Bucs just came back from down 5-0 to take the lead. The sellout crowd is actually creating a good atmosphere. It’s really a shame this team can’t compete, because this stadium would be great during a pennant race. They want to care, but management is making it almost impossible.

10:15 – After a stirring Pirate win, the crowd builds itself into a frenzy for the show. During the prep time, they showed past SkyBlast performances, including one by Pearl Jam. I think Mike and Micah’s heads would’ve exploded out of excitement had Eddie Vedder made his way to the stage.

10:25 – “The jig is up, the news is out, they finally fooound me. The renegaaade who had it made, retrieved for a booounty…” I always thought that Styx were a bunch of Streisands, but they’re rockin’ the s**t on this one.

11:00 – “Iiiii’m Sailiiing awaaaaaayyyyy…” I’m just waiting for Cartman to come out and sing a duet.

11:15 – No matter how old I get, I think I will always enjoy fireworks, although I guess the same could be said for Vince Coleman.

So our trip ended, literally, with a bang. The worst part about the upcoming morning was coming to the realization that we would have to endure another six-hour ride back. So long PNC Park. See you later intersection where Big Ben lost half his face. Until next year ketchup bottles filled with melted butter at Pamela’s.

As Micah’s friend Gretchen scribbled in my notebook during the Styx concert, while I wasn’t looking: PITTSBURGH F*^@ING ROCKS!!

I couldn’t have said it any better myself.