| Mexicali Blues | |
By Jon Bellwood |
Published
01/20/2008
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NFL
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Rating: 
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Jon Bellwood
Hello, I’m Jon and I’m from the sunny (yeah, right) town of I have just spent the second year of my degree studying abroad in America at the University of Kentucky, this is why when you take a quick look back through my articles there are a couple of UK articles and nothing else on college sports. My knowledge is getting there slowly and I hope to be able to branch out soon! On a related note, there is always time for a bit of “Wooooooooooooah, C, A, T, S, CATS, CATS, CATS”, I’m sure everyone will agree? Well maybe not fans from I have always loved my sports, my all time number one passion is for Formula One racing and motorsports, my hero as a kid was Nigel Mansell, to the point where I wanted my name changing to have Nigel as my middle name, though my Mum never did come around to the idea and so to this day I still don’t have a middle name, much to the confusion of Americans everywhere. These days I find myself supporting Lewis Hamilton in the Formula One and British drivers in other categories around the globe, I was really happy to be able to be at the Indy 500 to see Dario Franchitti triumph in May, even despite the rain interval. Other than that I follow Hartlepool United and Middlesbrough in football (soccer if you like), the Cincinnati Bengals in the NFL, the University of Kentucky in every college sport ;) and the New York Rangers in the NHL, which may seem quite random but I went to see them on my 21st birthday after getting the last seat in the house! My writing has come on leaps and bounds since I joined the site but every now and then I lapse and had in an article short of time and effort, if you see one let me know. This season I will mostly be wishing I was at Commonwealth stadium or Rupp Arena while sat in a flat in View all articles by Jon Bellwood Mexicali Blues
I have something I would like to say to the fans, the media, Barack Obama, God and anyone else who might be listening in: You are all jealous, well, unless you’re a straight woman, a gay man or whoever is currently dating Jessica Alba. I mean, man is she hot. But anyway, seriously, leave me alone, you all wish you were going to bed with Jessica Simpson and you know it. I mean who wouldn’t want to wake up next to those perky, err, that perky smile or look up into the stands during an important game at Texas Stadium and give that baby doll a little wink and blow her a kiss? I mean, I’ve gotta give her something back for wearing those god-awful hot pink NFL jerseys, right? Why are you all fussing about my trip to Mexico with Jess and Jase? It’s a hop, a skip and a jump from Dallas, and all the other players who flew much further away to various places in the USA aren’t catching any heat! Why me? I’m too young to be a family man, and Jess doesn’t wanna ruin that ass yet -- there’s a possibility of “Starsky and Hutch 2” if Snoop will sign up again. Would you really watch that car wash scene again if my baby had a droopy ass and saggy boobs? I don’t think so. So you can’t really blame me for heading for a little break in the sun. I know you’re wondering why I invited Jason, but he’s my best friend and best friends look out for each other. Jess said she was bringing some friends, so I asked Jase to do what he does best: Score a touchdown in their end zones. I would just like to say thanks to my brother T.O; I’m aware we don’t really look alike but he’s family to me. Next year, T.O, I won’t hurt my hand, I won’t go to Mexico, and we will win the Super Bowl. I promise. As for the rest of the Cowboys, we all know this is part of the plan to get rid of Wade and keep Captain Garrett from bailing on us to those nasty Ravens or Falcons. We will all be seeing that fat wad of cash Jerry promised us to blow the game pretty soon, go out there, enjoy it, spend it on something you enjoy – maybe a holiday to Mexico? What? Yes I am employed by the Mexican tourist department – we’ve all got to make our money somehow. Any questions? Q: How much are you making from the Mexico tourist board? A: Oh, enough, and I get more per plug, so go to Mexico folks, you know it makes sense. You can even sell your passport for top dollar! Q: How could you not beat the Giants? A: Look I know, we made Eli look like Peyton, which is hard, but the T.O we sent out there was a robot version of the real thing and just haven’t managed to get the pass catching programming quite right yet. Although the tears were quite convincing don’t you think? And on the topic of wide receivers, I’m not getting much help from Crayton and Glenn. Could you ask the board to sort that out in the draft for me? Find me a couple of T.O’s boys, or build me TO1000 and TO2000, I don’t care, just get me some talent. And my hand hurts, that’s why I made poor decisions out there. And finally on this subject Michael Strahan and Osi Umenyiora are big bullies, they kept hitting me really hard. Q: Who do you think will be in the Super Bowl and indeed win it? A: I don’t really care but since you ask Peyton and his Colts and Tom Brady and the Patriots. Q: The Colts were knocked out of the playoffs by the Chargers last week and those teams couldn’t both make the Super Bowl anyway, they are both in the AFC. A: What do you mean? I never did get that AFC/NFC thing anyway. I mean I’m not intelligent enough to catch a snap every time. Also you’re lying, Peyton knocked us out of the playoffs this week, he and Eli switched places, that was Peyton in a Giants helmet out there in Texas, I’m telling you. Q: Whats Jessica’s bra size? A: I’m not dignifying that with an answer, but what do you think? Q: Im going with a 34D. A: You’re close but I’m not telling. That’s it for today folks, so if you could all just leave us alone and wait for the inevitable DIY home video porno to hit the internet that would be great. I’ll see you all for spring training, I’m off to be an extra in “Starsky and Hutch 2.” I’ll be I the background for the car wash scene, you’ll know its me by the bump in the crotch of my pants. |
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