Scott Larson As the NFL surges in popularity each season, its periphery events grow with it. The best example of this is the annual draft. Preview magazines hit the newsstands early in March. The February scouting combine is televised in its entirety. Hundreds of websites weigh in with analysis months earlier. And some fanatical supporters begin to track potential stars years before they are even draft eligible.
As a result, experts like Mel Kiper and the writers at Pro Football Weekly have already speculated on most everything there is to say about the majority of the established prospects.
For this reason, my draft preview will skip over the studs that the college football world already knows about. And instead I will delve deep into your consciousness in a bold attempt to uncover the next great wave of NFL blockers.
NFL Draft Preview, Week One: Offensive Lineman
Sloth Fratelli, 6' 8”, 380
positives: Prototype size for an offensive tackle. Great strength, could probably lift a boulder. A legend in Astoria, Oregon. Fan favorite, already has an endorsement deal with Baby Ruth.
negatives: Meddlesome family. Raw technique, the team that drafts him faces a rocky road in developing him as a player. Not a skilled communicator. Poor mobility, it almost seems as if he has been chained to a chair his whole life.
Eugene Tackleberry, 6’ 4”, 225
positives: Good at protecting people. Can thrive even when teamed with zany characters. Good guy to have in the locker room, unless you are the Commandant.
negatives: Seems to have an unnatural love of firearms. Was not even the best prospect on his college team, as that designation clearly belonged to Cadet Hightower.
Fezzik the Giant, 7' 1”, 455
positives: Projects as a dominant right tackle. Great strength. It is inconceivable that a smaller man could defeat him in a wrestling contest. Good stamina. Can carry a team on his back. Or up a cliff.
negatives: Has an unscrupulous agent. May try to kill six fingered teammates.
Mola Ram, 6'3, 235
positives: Zealous passion to accomplish his objectives. Inspires fierce loyalty in teammates. Can rip the heart out of opponents, literally and figuratively.
negatives: Odd religious beliefs. Too fascinated with stones. After a hard fought victory may try to cover coach in molten lava instead of Gatorade.
Tommy Callahan, 5'9, 245 positives: Likable character. Pride of Sandusky, Ohio. Good bulk. Former rugby player.
negatives: Undersized by NFL standards. Struggled with grades in college. Has difficulty running the halfback belly option on two.
B.A. Baracus, 5'10, 225
positives: Can play center, guard, or drive the team van. Fierce temperament. Pities anyone who fails to grasp the game plan in a timely manner.
negatives: Ran a slow 40 time at the combine, likely due to the excessive jewelry around his neck. Won't get on that plane, Hannibal.
Scott Larson is married and lives in Madison, Wisconsin. Originally from Chicago, Scott borrows from his dual sports residency and follows the Bears, Badgers, Bulls, and Bucks.
He can be reached at scott.larson@atomicsportsmedia.com. © Copyright by Atomic Sports Media, Inc. |
