Some Words of Wisdom
By Jake Duhaime
May 21, 2006, 16:47
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| If you're Reggie Bush, do as you please. Otherwise, you might want to think twice before accepting that Escalade from an agent and impregnating the dean's daughter. |
To the graduating class of high school athletes,
For many of you this means goodbye. A farewell to competitive sport. (Beer pong doesn’t count.) I hope you enjoyed both the friendships and memories that will turn into the tallest of tales as the decades pass.
Like your no-hit, 15-strikeout performance against the best team in the state actually came against Rhode Island School for the Blind. With half of those blind kids being in seventh and eighth grade.
But your fastball was sitting pretty at 84 miles an hour that day. Your curveball moved sharply from 12 to 6 o’clock. It was your best friend Sully that drove in the game-winning run on a line drive, seeing eye single up the middle. And at the end of the day, there was that glorious feeling of accomplishment and amazement as the final batter struck out looking... despite the fact that he couldn’t see in the first place.
And then the team went to Subway to celebrate the big win. You had the Italian sub with extra dressing, Sully the meatball sub, and Jonesey (that weirdo) had the chicken parm with extra sauce. Yes, those were the good old days.
Surely, for you guys. There will be plenty of intramural basketball games and work-league softball games to get excited about in the future. But let’s be honest and admit that nobody really gives a crap about your bases-loaded double off of Joan from accounting.
But for those of you blessed by God with enough athletic talent to move on to the collegiate level, I have a few words of advice for you to follow. Granted, I’m not an NCAA athlete of any kind. But I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night and I’ve seen several athletes fall from grace by not listening to my words of wisdom. Don’t let yourself be one of those people.
The following list of rules is meant to keep both you and your team out of trouble. If you stay true to them, you’ll have four great years in collegiate athletics. If you don’t... I just hope that you’re a high level professional prospect. Because that’s the only proven way to duck the following and still manage to keep your head above water.
1) Don’t put pictures of hazing rituals on the Internet.
The second you post something on Facebook, Webshots or MySpace, it becomes public domain even though each site might have privacy features to protect you. Never get tricked into believing it’s a foolproof solution. Those girls at Northwestern might want to remember this when performing next year’s hazing rituals… if there is a next year.
2) If you have a girlfriend... dump her… immediately.
Or else she’s going to dump you. Especially when she sees those pictures of you with five blonde co-eds at some bar and immediately assumes you’re cheating on her.
2b) If you have a girlfriend… insist she cut off all contact with her friends from rival schools.
Let’s say that you two are madly in love. And let’s say that you’re so in love with her that you’ll run out and get her tampons from Walgreens at 1 a.m. And let’s say that she’s in love with you to the point where she’ll post this as an AIM Away Message as a reason why you’re the best boyfriend ever.
Now let’s pretend that the following information falls into the wrong hands, like the student section your arch-rival.
Obviously it’s not going to end well… for either of you.
FYI: The following was a real-life scenario involving a legitimate real-life famous NCAA DI athlete.
3) Go to class…
Since a miniscule percentage of all NCAA athletes make it to the professional ranks, it would be wise to have a good backup plan. And that backup plan shouldn’t include beer pong, Madden, streaking or jerking off. Though if you’re an attractive female athlete, I hear the pornography industry is always hiring.
4) Don’t be too much of a playa
As a collegiate athlete, you are both limited by time and the NCAA as to how much money you can make. Try and remember this when you’re busy trying to knock up that perfect ten at the next soccer party. Because, you know, child support payments are a bitch… and even more of a bitch if you’ve got no money.
5) If you’re going to drink, don’t pass out
If you’re a Duke basketball player, it would be unwise to head on over to Chapel Hill and pass out piss drunk in somebody else’s dorm or frat house. Right Reggie Love?
Not only will you wake up covered in magic marker, but you’ll also be wearing a Carolina sweatshirt, Carolina hat and have two Carolina blue pom-poms in each hand. And to make things even worse, sober Carolina students will post pictures of your wild little night on the Internet, making you an embarrassment to both your school and your athletic department.
6) Don’t accept anything from anyone, unless your really, really good
If you’re as good as Reggie Bush, you can pretty much do whatever you want with little repercussion. Seriously, does anyone actually believe that USC is getting anything more than a slap on the wrist from the NCAA? He literally could have cheated his way through school and taken thousands of dollars under the table and gotten away from it.
But if your name isn’t Reggie Bush, or Greg Oden, Josh McRoberts or Joakim Noah, I wouldn’t recommend accepting gifts, cash or anything but your red plastic cup filled with Natty Light. You won’t get away with it.
So, if you just go to class, stay sober, don’t knock up girls, stay way from gifts and keep the cameras away. You’ll be all set.
It’s not that hard…is it?
Enjoy the next four years.
Jake Duhaime covered the 2006 Olympic Winter Games and 2006 NCAA Women’s Final Four for Atomic Sports Media. He can be reached at jake.duhaime@atomicsportsmedia.com.
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